- If any vegetable deserved super-hero status, it would be cabbage. Problem is, what would its public identity be? Beets? Don’t make me laugh…
- Scientists have found a way to engineer a beef substitute out of soya beans, anise and wood cellulose. Now, they are frantically working on a way to genetically engineer a person stupid enough to eat it.
- Imagine the most beautiful flower you’ve ever seen. Now, double it. Divide it by the last three situation comedies to feature George Lopez. Is your answer eleven? I knew it wasn’t…
- Satan’s greatest achievement was to convince the world that his biggest achievement was convincing people he didn’t exist. His second biggest achievement? Oddly enough, Windex…
- Steven Segal hasn’t been the same since I “got his nose” at a party once and then forgot to give it back. I’d gladly return it, but I don’t get out to Russia that often.
- The most dangerous animal that tastes good as a sandwich is the Snow Leopard…
- I have to assume that my doctor is exaggerating when he says that I’m in the worst shape of anyone he’s ever seen. Hasn’t he ever been to a funeral?
- I’d love for the word “jackanapes” to be used more often on television and in print; however, those rascals and ne’er do wells in the media refuse…
- I’d like to own a dog and name it “Pleasant” so that when people came over and said, “What’s your dog’s name” and I’d say, “Pleasant” and they’d be like, “That’s a pretty swell name” and then we’d probably get high…
- Fiona Apple is kind of stuck up. I have to wonder how many of her dogs I need to kidnap before she’ll start answering my letters. Because I’ve got five of them now and I’m spending most of my grocery money on kibble…
lol mmmkay
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