More Random but Very Valid Thoughts

If I ever write a song about a woman, I don’t think I’ll mention her eyes because, if she had an accident and her eyes got burned out or dissolved by acid, I’d just have to write a new song.

It’s hard to say which is worse: A stomach flu or a tidal wave. On the one hand, a stomach flu doesn’t destroy billions of dollars worth of property; on the other hand, a tidal wave doesn’t make you crap your pants when you sneeze…

My father built the barn out back with his own sweat and blood. If he’d used wood and nails, the roof probably wouldn’t have collapsed on our hogs…

I wish I could travel back in time and go to the first Woodstock concert so I could warn everyone about Sha Na Na.

I think that Family Circus would be a lot edgier if Dolly used the term “fuck-wit” more often…

If I said it once, I said it a million times, don’t exaggerate!

Sports are a testament to man’s ability to invent a pastime that he can beat other men at to compensate for the fact that he fails at everything important.

You couldn’t have a rating system for how funny the names of chemical elements are. It really depends upon who says it. If Jerry Lewis said, “Germanium”, THAT would be funny. If paleoanthropologist Mary Leakey said, “Germanium” it would be decidedly less funny. “Bismuth” is funny regardless of who says it…

The Surrealism Movement of the 1920s made a lot of sense at the time; and, that is what ultimately killed it.

I feel sad for vegans… not all of them… just the ones I back over with my car.

If someone calls me a “monster”, and, they don’t indicate what kind, should I just assume they are talking about the bad kind of monster?