Why Kung-fu Movies are Better than Sex

On average, kung-fu movies last about eighty minutes; sex, in my experience, lasts about eighty seconds… two minutes if I think about baseball… forty-five seconds, if I think about women’s softball…

In kung-fu movies, the martial artists pretend to be various animals to make themselves more unbeatable; but, ask your partner to pretend to be Sailor Moon just ONCE and she tries to put you into therapy.

The motivator behind the plots to most kung-fu movies is revenge, vengeance or getting back at someone; come to think of it, that’s been the motivator for most of the sex I’ve had…

Kung-fu movies imply that there was a period in China’s history when people could fly; if you claim unbelievable sexual abilities, you’ll probably be required to demonstrate them.

Practitioners of the “Monkey Style” of kung-fu actually become more proficient as they get drunker; that kind of works in the opposite direction when it comes to sex.

In most martial arts movies, you know who the bad one is from the start; in sex, you don’t know who the bad one is until afterwards. Hint: It’s the one who looks the least disgusted and embarrassed.

It’s easier to explain kung-fu to a three year old who has walked in on you while watching a kung-fu movie than it is to explain why daddy was spanking mommy with a cricket bat.

You don’t get jealous if someone is watching the same kung-fu movie that you’ve been watching…

If you fail in a kung-fu movie, you die and that’s the end of it. Failure at sex involves a lifetime of anger, resentment and allusions to the “Sailor Moon incident”.

You don’t have to fantasize about other martial artists to make a kung-fu movie more exciting…