Life Hacks for Those Who’ve Given Up on Life

Need impromptu canapés? Just cut regular food into small unsatisfying portions and put toothpicks into them.

During a long power outage, a flashlight can be invaluable in that it will give you and your family something to fight over.

Club soda stains on your new white carpet? A little red wine will lift those stains right out.

Wine bottle corked with no corkscrew handy? Just put the wine bottle in a shoe and strike it against a tree or fence post. That cork will come out twice as fast as wishing it out.

To make perfect three-minute eggs, boil the eggs for at least four and a half minutes…

Need a makeshift collar for a dog? Gift-wrapping ribbon works great. Need a makeshift dog to put the collar on? Simply combine two cats and a hamster and cut away all the non-canine parts that stick out.

Can’t afford a psychiatrist? For the price of a cross-country bus ticket, you can share your problems with whoever has the misfortune to sit next to you.

If you need Parmesan cheese but seem to be all out of it, just shake some dirty gym socks over a paper plate.

If your typewriter needs a new ribbon cartridge, simply take a newspaper, note the year and BUY A COMPUTER.

Children and their toys getting underfoot while you are trying to clean or think? Simply apply Benadryl to their orange juice.

Have a hankering for historical fiction but don’t want to wait two days for Amazon to deliver? Just take an old romance novel, cross out the name of the main male character and replace it with “Teddy Roosevelt”. Need sci-fi, instead? No problem: Just replace “Teddy Roosevelt” with “Android Teddy Roosevelt”…