Common Statements that are Nearly Always LIES

“I’m doing you a favor”: This is usually said after pushing a confession of a triple homicide in front of you and handing you a pen. If someone has to tell you that they are doing you a favor then they aren’t.

“I just want a guy who makes me laugh”: Ironically, when I hear a woman say that, I laugh until I break a blood vessel in my eye; then, it’s off to the emergency room for me.

“Looks aren’t important”: What they mean to say is, “Contrary to all evidence to the contrary, compiled from the time that the first primates walked the Earth, I am implementing a NEW policy: Looks aren’t important”

“It’s easy money”: If someone says this to you at the beginning of the evening, by early morning, a cop will be “doing you a favor” and handing you a pen…

“I can drive”: Never said by anyone who isn’t impaired; but, usually spoken from either a prone position or just before you accidentally step off a curb and bite off the tip of your tongue.

“It’s not about the money”: Actually, if it isn’t about sex, it’s about the money.

“You’ll feel a slight pinch”: If it isn’t St. Patrick’s Day, what will follow will either be a spinal injection so painful one of your lungs will collapse from your screams; or, a blood sample taken by a medical technician whose only practice has been mutilating oranges with a hypodermic needle.

“That guy is a communist”: Here’s a tip: Before saying this, learn what communism is. Read Marx. Absorb his message. Then, explain how a wealthy politician could be, in any universe, in favor of communism.

“[insert singer name here] is a genius”: Unless Stephen Hawking was doing karaoke, this is probably a lie. Most singers are so vacuous, they can reduce the barometric pressure in a room just by taking their hat off…

“We’re looking for a few good men”: Or, anyone willing to work for low wages in a job you cannot quit and just might kill you. If there are a few good men in that subset of humanity, so be it.