Colors that I Like Less Than the Others

Purple: Purple was the color of royalty because it took a big pile of stinking sea shells just to make one thing purple… and purple has never really gotten over itself. Now, anyone with a box of crayons can make purple… but, people like Donnie Osmond and Prince perpetuate the regality of the color purple, as did the book, The Color Purple.

Black: Black is the absence of all light. Ninjas used to use it as cover to carry out their nefarious deeds; however, with global light pollution, if we see ANY black spot, we can safely assume that’s where the ninjas are and then, unleash the artillery. Black is also a slimming color and that’s another reason to hate it. I once met someone I thought was svelte and lithe because she was wearing black; but, after she took her outfit off, I saw that she weighed THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. Fortunately, she immediately slipped into a black nightie and we managed to salvage the evening…

Pink: As late as 1927, pink was considered a masculine color but, somewhere along the line, it was allocated to the ladies. I don’t like a color that cannot pick a gender and stay with it.

Turquoise: An ugly color named after an ugly rock that American Indians have tricked white people into wearing in revenge for the genocide. Now, we’re even!

Lilac: Does every male turn into a mincing effeminate momma’s boy when he wears lilac? I’m starting to suspect that it is just me…

Maroon: The only time “maroon” is used is as a school color and if your school has maroon as a school color, you can be sure the only two OTHER colors they had to choose from were turquoise and lilac.

Orange: I had an incident with an orangutan wielding a traffic cone once. I won’t go into details but suffice it to say that sometimes might DOES make right.

Slate: Slate is just grey for people who don’t want to admit that living in Maine, with its drab slate-color houses, has pretty much stripped them of anything that makes them interesting. In the movies, Katharine Hepburn is fascinating and gets visited by her children; however, in real life, she just gets crazier and crazier and more isolated, just like Hepburn in real life…

Brown: I don’t consider brown a real color. It is the color you get at the very end of finger-painting when you’ve mixed all the colors together. Your child starts with red, yellow and blue pictures; but, as you leaf through, they get browner and browner until the last one is just one color. “I hope they have refrigerators in hell, little one, because that’s the only refrigerator this monstrosity is being put on”. Chocolate, caramel and mocha are fine, because they are well-defined, beautiful and because I was hungry when I wrote this.

White: Besides polar bears and Edgar Winter, nothing pure white is healthy. A body that has been in the harbor for a few weeks is white. Vampires are white… with the exception of Blacula, but Blacula was a beautiful ONE TIME THING and will never pass this way again. Eddie Murphy tried to reproduce it and Eddie Murphy failed… utterly. White is less an indicator of a master race than it is that your mother only has potatoes and cauliflower left in the fridge to use as side dishes…