Our Allies in the Ongoing War Against Snakes

We are in a war against snakes and you need to know who your friends are. I’ll give you a hint: It ISN’T the snakes… well, it isn’t most snakes… But, who in the animal kingdom is going to risk a venomous bite just to take out one of the enemy? Well, how about these ten guys:

Roadrunners: Roadrunners not only kill and eat rattlesnakes, they’ve got a brand-new house by the roadside, made outta rattlesnake hide… By this, I mean, they actually use rattlesnake skin to make their nests. That would be pretty bad-assed for a person, but, for a tiny little bird that might live comfortably in your boot, it’s even more impressive. It takes two roadrunners to kill a rattlesnake: One to distract it and the other to peck away the bones in its neck until its head and body are no longer on speaking terms. FYI, it only takes one roadrunner to change a light bulb…

Monitor Lizards: Okay, I was wary about using this one because, the only reason monitor lizards eat snakes is because monitor lizards EAT EVERYTHING. The enemy of my enemy might be my friend, but it still doesn’t mean that it won’t eat my dog.

The Kingsnake (Lampropeltis getula): Kingsnakes are known for being ophiophagous, as well as for using words that others have to angrily look up. They tend to kill by constriction, although, in a pinch, they are not above sneaking up on prey and hitting it over the head with a garbage can. It has immunity to most snake venoms and to criticism…

Secretary Bird (Sagittarius serpentarius): So well-known for killing snakes, it has the Latin word for snake in its name. Secretary birds have long crane-like legs and distinct feathers coming out of the top of its head, making it look like an old timey secretary with quill pens behind the ear. Like a real secretary, the secretary bird will dance on the back of a venomous serpent while trying to snap its spine. Unlike a real secretary, you cannot get a secretary bird hammered at the office Christmas party to the point where she dances on a table without her shirt. There is talk of renaming this animal to something more appropriate like “administrative assistant bird”.

King Cobras (Ophiophagus hannah): I didn’t want to include any cobras; on the other hand, I cannot afford to make enemies of the largest poisonous snakes in the world. I figure that we’ll let the king cobras kill as many of the other snakes as possible; then, we’ll set the jungles on fire and drive over them with riding mowers as they flee…

Mongoose: Wanna hear some irony? Snakes are tolerated because they keep the rat population in control. Mongooses, essentially long thin angry rats, are tolerated because they keep the snake population under control. Their mode of attack is to taunt the snake until it strikes and then pouncing on the back of its neck and ruining its entire day.

Hedgehogs: Hedgehogs are so adorable, they are classified under the same genus and anime characters and care bears. But, they can be lethal killers of vipers. The trick is to get the snake so angry that it injures itself on the animals Hell-raiser type spines; then, it bites the snake in the back of the neck like any God-fearing mammal might.

Honey Badgers: A honey badger is essentially a skunk with big muscles and anger issues. It goes head to head with African snakes, like the Puff Adder, a snake so frightening that I had to take half a valium just to type the name. If it absorbs bit too much venom, it first kills the snake, then falls into a mini-coma for a few hours. Then, the badger wakes up and eats the snake. Honey badgers have a natural immunity to snake venoms and to those annoying fears that paralyze the rest of us.

Snake-eagles: An eagle that feeds on snakes should be the coolest bird there is, if it wasn’t for the administrativeassistantbird. To snakes, these birds are Death incarnate. To people who live in glass mirrored buildings, these birds are a muffled thud followed by someone in the room saying, “Did anyone else hear that?”

Texans: Every year, Texans wander into caves and pits to round up tens of thousands of rattlesnakes to be slaughtered, fried and served to other Texans at celebrations call “Rattlesnake Roundups”. They also use their skins to make boots, hats and IPad covers. At the same festivals, they hold demonstrations on capturing snakes and very ironic lectures on why snakes are our friends and why we shouldn’t be killing them indiscriminately…