Did Time-traveling Go-go Dancers From the Sixties Build the Washington Monument?

If you think about it, no one really knows who built the Washington Monument. Sure, there are “records” and “photographs” and “eye-witness accounts”, but very little solid data to indicate who managed to build what was the tallest man-made structure in the world at the time. Some doubt that we even had the technology to build a five hundred and fifty-five foot granite and marble structure that, to this day, does literally nothing. They feel that someone a little more technically advanced was needed. And, frankly, so do I…

When I first postulated that go-go dancers from the 1960s built the Washington Monument, the peer review, or maybe it was an intervention, was brutal. They asked a lot of tough questions like:

Are you crazy? No, crazy is barking like a dog whenever your wife tries to tell you that her contractions are five minutes apart. Crazy is paying a prostitute to beat you at checkers. Crazy is going to Hawaii for the sole purpose of throwing an old copy of Redbook magazine into an active volcano. I have only done one of those things.

Did go-go dancers even HAVE access to time machines in the sixties? That question, I think you’ll agree, is pretty moronic. Because if anyone at ANY time in the past or future creates a time machine, they can go ANYWHEN THEY WANT! A go-go bar may not be my first destination when I build a time machine, but I’ll definitely be going to one on my way back from warning Lincoln about John Wilkes Booth.

Why would go-go dancers choose to go back in time and perform the back-breaking work necessary to build the Washington Monument? The same reason ANYONE does ANYTHING:  Because they wanted to. Because maybe they wanted to pay back a world that had tipped them well, then, groped or spilled drinks on them. Maybe because, under each pasty, is a patriotic nipple ready to give their all for America! Or, maybe the past was a good place to hide from their indictments for drug-dealing and conspiracy…

Do you have ANY proof of this nonsense? How about glitter seen on at least three of the stones in 1911? Or, the fact that Chester Arthur, at the dedication ceremony, was rumored to have had sixty dollars in singles? Or, why was the song These Boots are Made for Walking briefly considered as our national anthem in 1871?

Seriously? I’m as serious as a mortician having a heart attack during a Shakespearean tragedy. The monument is 555 feet high. How many fingers do go-go dancers have on each hand? At LEAST five. How many toes? Several… often five… Coincidence???

How do you explain evidence to the contrary? Simple. No one knew because the work was done AT NIGHT. Go-go dancers often stayed up all night dancing and making hillbilly porn. Do you really think that lugging a few stones was going to phase them? Remember that they had the technology to lift their go-go girl cages high above the dance floor and that same technology can be adapted to lifting granite blocks. But, if you were running the nation, would you admit that you needed topless girls in bathing suit bottoms and high heels to finish a monument that had been abandoned for decades?

It all falls into place and yet, as a historian, I am ostracized. One year after I published my paper on this very topic, I still haven’t found a position at a university; moreover, the grocery store where I work fired me and the assistant manager kicked me in the stomach. The problem is, I know if I dug around the monument, I’d probably find the skeletons of go-go dancers who died during the construction and, if I dug a little deeper, mastodons. But, try getting a permit to do something like that. It is nearly impossible. I’ll need a powerful ally if I’m to be allowed to prove my theory. Something that will turn heads. Something impossible to ignore…

So, here I sit, waiting for the time machine full of go-go dancers to arrive. I only hope I’m not wasting my time…