I AM FROM EARTH!!!

Recently, as many of you know, I was abducted by aliens. It was my own fault for driving my pickup truck on a lonely country road in the middle of the night. But, instead of anally probing me and letting me go, they, instead, anally probed me and asked me questions… for the purpose of admitting us into the Federation of Planets (no comets allowed).

They used a memory-wiper on me, but fortunately had it set to “rabbit”; so, I can remember most of the conversation but not the last time I ate a carrot…

 

Zorgnar: Again, I’d like to welcome you to our spaceship and to apologize again for the anal probing. Most species consider it an “ice breaker”.

Me: Outside of the tearing and bleeding, no harm done.

Zorgnar: You are the most intelligent human we could find that was driving around in the middle of the night in a pickup truck on a deserted country road.

Me: Guilty as charged.

Zorgnar: I’m going to interview you for possible membership in the United Federation of Planets. Isn’t that lovely… hmm?

Me: [smiling politely]

Zorgnar: We’ve noticed your world is broken up into regions you call “countries”.  How do you choose the people who run those countries?

Me: Usually, someone acts proactively to make himself ruler and we don’t tend to say anything because we don’t want to make a scene.

 

Zorgnar: So, these are the best qualified people?

Me: No, they tend to be the more evil or greedy people among us; although, occasionally we choose someone who is merely the offspring of something who was evil and greedy.

Zorgnar: That doesn’t sound very smart.

Me: Well, we’re smart enough to know we cannot be trusted.

Zorgnar: Touche. Okay… moving on… I’m noticing what a stable solar system you have here.

Me: Oh yeah. The Sun is great. It’s the source of all life on Earth. Of course, we have to stay out of it or we get cancer.

Zorgnar: Cancer? A disease you haven’t cured?

Me: A lot of it’s been cured. If you have a lot of money, most things can be cured.

Zorgnar: Money?

Me: Paper that everyone agrees is valuable.

Zorgnar: I see…

Me: I misspoke, actually. Now we just take our bank’s word for it. It’s all electronic.

Zorgnar: So, how do you get money?

Me: Well, you can work for it; but, the system is set up so that the money you get from working doesn’t really pay for the expenses incurred from working. You know: Taxes, gasoline, food, work clothes and little jails to keep our children in during the day.

Zorgnar: That’s just confusing.

Me: Well, you can also pray for money.

Zorgnar: Pray?

Me: You ask someone that isn’t there for something you don’t have enough of.

Zorgnar: And, that works?

Me: Not often, no. And, we don’t all pray to the same imaginary person.

Zorgnar: There’s more than one? That must get confusing.

Me: And, bloody, much of the time. No one likes it when someone worships a god with a different name from theirs. But, we’ve been remarkably restrained, considering we have the power to destroy all life on Earth several dozen times over.

Zorgnar: That seems a bit extreme. How did that happen?

Me: Well, we started with one nuclear bomb or one tank of deadly nerve gas, then,one thing leads to another. Maybe you should leave that part out.

Zorgnar: I doubt anyone would believe it, anyway. So, humans are the stewards of this planet?

Me: Yep.

Zorgnar: And, other life forms?

Me: Well, any creature that can get into a dumpster is set for life. We tend to wipe out most species but for a good reason.

Zorgnar: ?

Me: Condos… sometimes golf courses.

Zorgnar: Condos are important?

Me: Trust me and don’t look it up. We tend to take care of our own.

Zorgnar: There’s something to be said for that.

Me: And, humans come in many different shades and tones. The lighter tones get more skin cancer.

Zorgnar: What do the darker tones get?

Me: Poverty, disease and incarceration… but that’s strictly off the record.

Zorgnar: What does that mean?

Me: I wish I knew. I’m starting to get concerned about where this interview is going. We really need to get off of this planet. Pretty soon, life won’t be able to exist here.

Zorgnar: Really? How is that happening?

Me: Well, we’ve been adding greenhouse gases at an unsustainable rate.

Zorgnar: So, stop adding them.

Me: We can’t stop.

Zorgnar: Why can’t you?

Me: Rich people won’t let us stop. Plus they’ve convinced us that science is wrong. We don’t really believe it but it makes us feel less guilty about screwing over our descendants.

Zorgnar: Well, don’t feel bad. A lot of species accidentally destroyed their environment.

Me: Yeah… well… we kind of knew all along what we were doing. It got hotter. Storms got bigger. But, in fairness to us, we’ve had to binge-watch a lot of television series.

Zorgnar: This interview is over.

Me: Thank God! I thought you were going to reject us…