How Do I Show Appreciation to My Child’s Teacher?

Drop a Xanax into your child’s thermos of milk.

Offer your expert opinion on their teaching style.

Keep an interest in school board politics so you can mindlessly and violently overreact to some minor incident…

Know what your child is learning in school and what part of the Bible it conflicts with.

Teachers like when parents are involved with their child’s education so be sure and build their science fair project for them and try to write their papers until they get to high school when your folksy turn of phrase will out you like a vindictive theater student.

Before suing a teacher, it is customary to send them a nice fruit basket.

Remember that your child’s failure to learn may not be your teacher’s fault. Perhaps looking internally, you’ll find that the real culprit is the assistant principal…

Every teacher wants the same thing: To be appreciated… and a salary high enough to at least purchase ramen noodles…

The most valuable thing you can do for your child’s teacher is, if you are in the studio audience at Oprah or The View, to applaud wildly when someone mentions school teachers. Each decibel translates to more self-esteem for teachers who will never see those shows because they are teaching kids when the shows air.

Buy lottery tickets. The money the state makes goes to funding public schools. The fact that public schools remain underfunded despite all that money shouldn’t matter to someone buying lottery tickets.