Real Recent Discoveries in… SCIENCE!

 

The Journal of Analytical Chemistry reported that moss can be used to inexpensively detect pollutants in the air.  An hour later, Donald Trump’s EPA made moss a controlled substance…

An international team of geoscientists and paleontologists have discovered more evidence that Alaska acted as a “dinosaur superhighway” from Asia to North America in the form of dinosaur tracks and a sixty million year old Stuckey’s sign.

Scientists at Cornell are trying to determine a vegetation fingerprint with which they can determine life on exoplanets.  This will come in handy when we are leaving the Earth due to the fact that our planet no longer has a vegetation fingerprint.

A new method of filtering out urea gives new hope to those who need a wearable artificial kidney. Unlike conventional dialysis, it will filter continuously; also, when a strange woman drugs you to steal your kidney, you are less likely to wake up in a bath of ice water with a hole in your back.

Meteorologist Victor Gensini, from Northern Illinois University released the results of a study that shows “Tornado Alley” is moving east.  Although the shift is consistent with global warming models, climate change deniers have published an alternate theory in a paper titled “Shut Up!  Just Shut Up, Okay?”

Physicists from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology have determined that two superimposed sheets of graphene when twisted in the right way, result in a state of superconductivity and zero electrical resistance.  Coincidentally, this is the first time the terms “twisted” and “zero resistance” have been used together outside of pornographic bondage novels…

Scientists from Caltech and the Jet Propulsion Laboratory have determined that “under the right conditions”, liquid water on Mars might contain more water than previously thought. Later they added that “under the right conditions” Mars might also have ponies living in extinct volcanoes.

Neurologists at Columbia University have found that part of the hippocampus where an animal decides to accept or attack an intruder. They theorize that, if they can destroy that area using lasers, they can develop a dog that greets you by happily tearing out your throat.

A team from the Chinese Academy of Sciences have determined that the Qinghai-Tibetan Plateau was inhabited by humans twenty thousand years earlier than previously thought, sending shock waves through the four or five archaeologists who actually cared.

A study published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine found that counties in which Republicans had made significant gains, in 2016, had 2.5 times the average deaths from suicide, alcohol and drug overdose. This might explain the election slogan, “Vote Republican and get revenge on the world”