[Note: Next week, to commemorate another hundred followers, will be Chapter Three of The Moosehead Strategem. Clear your calendars and hide your daughters]
I promise to always be true to you as long as you don’t look as if you want to have an affair.
I promise not to go to bed angry so we’ll need to keep a supply of Xanax on hand.
I will be your bridge over troubled waters and you can be the person who crosses that bridge and then spends all my money at the track.
I promise unconditional love provided you meet the requirements for such.
I will care for you when you are sick, cheer you up when you are sad and ignore you when you are being a real bitch.
I will welcome your awful parents into my home and then slip out the back and spend that week at a motel or youth hostel.
We will make babies together and I will assume that most of them are mine.
You will have full input on what we do as a couple and I will have full veto power over that input.
I will tell you that you are beautiful every morning until it starts sounding sarcastic and mean.
May the ring I give you not be construed to be an indicator of future jewelry purchases.