Ways to Eat Steak

Posted on by masercot

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Rare:  Really, the only way to eat steak.  I eat it so rare, the steak sometimes tries to talk me out of eating it.  So rare that, if I offered a five second head start, it would take it.  I mean so rare that it is still capable of reproducing.  I could go on.

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Medium Rare: A “date steak”. Rare enough that you can still taste the iron in the meat but not so rare that you look like a bit player in The Walking Dead. Some women get nervous around blood-soaked shirts. Some men get nervous around women who don’t get nervous around blood-soaked shirts…

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Well-done:  If you aren’t sure you are eating beef, this is probably the best route.  If you ARE sure it is beef, then you are a monster.

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Cut into Strips:  Think of the well-used term, “a juicy steak”.  Now, imagine the most important adjective of that phrase nullified by cutting the meat into shoelace-sized bits of leather.

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With a Fried Egg:  If you are a truck driver or a lumberjack, you have to eat your steak that way.  It is the law.  Add a slice of ham if you want to kill three animals with the same meal.  They’ll serve you in the afterlife, like all of the rest of your victims…

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With Ketchup:  A good indicator that you are going to Hell.

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Surf and Turf:  You’d think pairing a steak with a large aquatic insect would be a bad thing; but, you’d be wrong.  Plus, if the steak isn’t high quality, you’ve got enough melted butter at the table to make a monopoly board taste good.

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Sous Vide:  Put a steak into a plastic bag and poach it at 130 degrees for two hours.  It’s French and I’ve hated France ever since they wouldn’t let our warplane fly over to Libya… actually, I forgave them but they were so snotty about it, I went back to hating them again.  Steak is an immediate gratification food.  By the time it’s ready, I’ve already filled up on peanut butter cups, ham, eggs and lobster.  If you manage to hold out against hunger, serve it with freedom fries…

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Grilled:  Excellent for those times when only a piece of meat ruined by a fat suburban guy in a novelty apron will do.

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Skillet:  A hot cast iron pan with lots of oil ensure that your steak will be so flavorful that you will almost forget that you have second degree burns over most of your forearm and every smoke alarm in your neighborhood is going off…

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27 thoughts on “Ways to Eat Steak”

    1. My kind of guy…

      This may horrify you, Robyn, but… as a toddler, my parents would hold out a rare steak to me and let me gum out the blood. It may sound harsh but it’s done me no BLOOD KILL HURT MAIM harm…

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  9. My Dad LOVED to grill steak. He was also colour blind and couldn’t really tell if a steak was ‘done’ as he couldn’t judge ‘doneness’ by colour. Because he preferred his OWN steak rare, he always erred on the side of caution and served ALL of our steaks rare as well. Today, I couldn’t possibly eat a steak any other way 😊

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Published by masercot