Leftovers Part 2: The Seduction of Ingrid Leftover

She complained that I was being pedantic. I replied, “Well, not exactly”.

The pig-footed bandicoot went extinct in the 1950s. I like to think that, if I’d been there to stop it, I probably would’ve gotten distracted and let it happen anyway.

Astronomers have spent a lot of time and effort to determine the origins of the planet Mercury; because, if they find out where it came from, they can get all the Mercurys we need.

MIT recently discovered a more effective way to generate single photons, taking us that much closer to the quantum computer. A regular computer only works in true/false answers; whereas, a quantum computer can claim true and false at the same time, making it a consummate politician.

If you must donate an organ, do so with all your heart.

If I were at the executioner’s block and I needed someone to plead my case AND I had a lot of points to make AND only thirty seconds in which to do so, I think the logical choice would be to hire an auctioneer.

We had a neighbor who popped a lot of opiates. I was worried my child might get hurt if he played over there; then, I realized that, if he did, she’d have enough painkillers to make him feel better again.

Nothing hurts quite so much as thinking that someone is your friend and that you can trust them… and then finding out you’ve got a kidney stone.

For most of her marriage, I felt that my mother was just going through the motions. Later, I found out that she was a mime.

For a man, a wedding anniversary is like a final exam that you aren’t allowed to study for and that counts for ninety percent of your grade…

I was torn between “travesty”, “atrocity” and “spitting directly into the face of God”; but, I ultimately decided to tell her that her meatloaf was “just fine”…