Things Better Done Drunk

Night Swimming: If the movie Jaws taught us anything it is that drinking and swimming don’t mix… with sharks, anyway. Without sharks, drunk swimming is GREAT. You can just drift off to sleep above or below the waves (your choice). Was it suicide or stupidity? No one knows!!!

Golf: Golf goes with alcohol like softball goes with fistfights. It’s the only sport where you get to DRIVE to your ball. You are only required to hit the ball with a stick and YOU GET AS MANY SWINGS AS YOU WANT TO DO SO. Plus, driving on the grass is a nice foreshadowing for the drive home that night.

Family Reunion: If you don’t drink heavily during a family reunion, you obviously don’t love your family enough to be hurt by their words and actions. You are a MONSTER. Hell, at my family reunions, EVEN THE CHILDREN DRINK. It’s cuter than it sounds…

Sex: If I may speak for all human beings, sex is painful and traumatizing; why add the memory of yet another sexual encounter to that garter snake ball of neuroses you already have? Vodka is a memory eraser you can acquire without having to join the FBI and interact with Tommy Lee Jones…

Flying: I know the probability of the airplane I’m on flying apart in midair is very remote; yet, that’s ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT WHEN MY PLANE IS IN THE AIR. After a couple of scotches, I’m still thinking about it, but I’ve accepted it as an inevitable ending to my life…

Job Performance Review: Okay… this one is counterintuitive, but a performance review is ungodly stressful. Alcohol strips away those inhibitions that contain the rage and bad judgment you’ll need to turn a mediocre review into an epic firing…

When You Run out of Antidepressants: Replacing an antidepressant with a depressant my seem like a worse idea than giving Paris Hilton her own reality show, but it is exact definition of a holistic cure.

When You are Listening to the Old Songs… the sad songs, from when men were men, women were women and you could see a movie for a nickel provided you could sneak past the ushers…

When it’s a Magical Summer Evening… your friends have gathered, the food is good, the music reminds you of nickel movie night and you’ve run out of weed…