Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog,
Despite my inviting her, my sister-in-law attended my wedding, which I thought was very selfish of her. That was MY DAY. It was SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME. But, there she sat in the second row, coyly staying quiet enough to be interesting to all those around her. My friends and I agree that she should pay for the wedding in return for what she did. I’ve sent her emails by the dozen, but she only answers them in groups of eight. Am I being unreasonable?
Blushing Bride in Omaha
Dear Bride,
You sister-in-law sounds like quite a trial. My advice is to cut off ties with her and all other human beings on Earth.
Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog,
At my yearly checkup, my doctor told me I only had three years to live, but HE WOULDN’T TELL ME WHICH THREE. My husband’s advice is to “put a heavy book on it” which is a sure indicator that he didn’t really hear what I was saying. What should I do?
Short-Timer in Houston
Dear Short-time,
Doctors are fallible just like everyone else. I remember receiving the startling news from my physician that I was aging seven years for each one that I lived; yet, eleven years later, I’m still alive despite all the tumors. So, my recommendation to you is, modulate your voice when talking to your husband to keep his interest. I’m a dog who likes bones, but I hate monotones.
Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-engineered Super-intelligent Dog,
I’m married to a poet. All day long I hear, “read my poem!” and “why aren’t you reading it?” and the minefield that is, “well, what did you think—and be honest”. It’s driving me up the wall. I actually want to kill her. I TOLD her that it was making me want to kill her… and SHE WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT; then, she made me read it and tell her what I thought of it. My life has become so utterly meta that I’m not sure I’m me or the man who is writing this.
Wit’s End in Lake Butler
Dear Butler,
I would very much like to buy some weed from you…
Confidential to Dora the Ex-Snorer
There’s no proof that is your nipple in the photograph. Anyway, Photoshop would take care of that in a few seconds. Next time you see a donkey, however, do not follow it into the woods.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I have a question for GMBESID. When’s the llama coming back? 🦙🦙🦙🦙
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Sadly, terse llama got into an altercation with an Andes condor and we won’t be hearing from her until the surgeries are done…
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Bull … you’re just being silly. Terse llama is to clever for that. I’m going to start a petition 😶
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I told Terse Llama of your efforts and she said, “Thanx”…
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‘I’m married to a poet’ is an exceptional proof ->> what not to do: never date a poet 🤐🤐 or if you married to a poet, do not tell her you’d like to kill her 🙂
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And, if she reaches for her rhyming dictionary, make a bee-line for the back door!
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or just drop dead on d floor (ACT!) 😂😂
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No wonder I can’t get dates.
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Just warn your date with, “I feel a poem coming on!”. That gives them a chance to go out for a cigarette… unless they don’t smoke… then, it gives them a chance to start smoking and then go out for a cigarette…
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😂😂😂
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I believe Short Timer and Wits End are the same person. Being married to a poet just makes every year feel like seven..
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“Dear Butler,
I would very much like to buy some weed from you…” Too funny!! 🙂
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The dog is on a roll. She missed doing this column while she was in an Ethiopian prison for smuggling uranium. But, she’s out now and holds no grudges…
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The questions are very interesting, starting with ‘staying quiet enough to be interesting’ and then monotone, poet ..all seem to be about communication, donkey and nipple seem misplaced 😀
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That’s the whole idea!
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