You are in for a treat. I have with me an international assassin. A man who, when in the army, established a record for most kills in one night… and many of them were the enemy. He terrorized the enemy to the point where they called him “He-who-kills-in-silence”; unfortunately, there was another assassin working in the same country who was also referred to as “He-who-kills-in-silence” so my interviewee had to change his legendary moniker to “He-who-kills-in-silence Jr.” because he was younger than the other guy. Now he works for a shadow organization so secret that no one knows it exists. I’ve got him next to me, now, and ready to answer my awful questions:
Have you ever failed to take out a target? I’ve never failed to take out a target; however, I HAVE failed to acknowledge that I didn’t take out a target.
Do you kill without compunction? I used to kill with compunction; but, I shot my compunction one night in a dark room, mistaking it for my self-respect.
Are you a ninja? Heavens, no! Ninjas kill quietly; whereas I, upon entering my victim’s house, usually bang my shin on a coffee table, waking the victim and forcing him to take refuge in an upstairs room where I bang my shins on a totally different coffee table.
I thought they said that you killed silently. Swearing doesn’t count as noise.
What does your job pay? Literally nothing because the organization I work for doesn’t officially exist; and, sadly, it says that on my paychecks in the “notes” section.
Does killing for hire run in your family? I thought that my father was an assassin for a few years, but it turned out he was just a really bad driver.
What made you take up the occupation of assassination? I’m a people person.
What’s the retirement plan for an assassin? Very simple: While on our last assignments, we stumble across a conspiracy so wide and encompassing that every assassin in the world is sent to kill us and a random beautiful woman who get caught up in the whole thing. Her job is to mostly scream and ask “why won’t you tell me what I’ve gotten myself into?”. Ultimately, we defeat all the other assassins in the world only to be killed by the beautiful woman because she was also an assassin or because she was just bored.
In your line of work, you learn not to ask too many questions. How many questions is too many questions? Ten.
Do interview questions count? Ask me another question and find out…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Doesn’t seem very competent if you ask me.
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Yeah, but okay for a government worker…
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Are you implying that the government hires assassins??? I thought Yogi Bear did that?
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I’m implying that my government would never hire assassins and that there is no reason to shut me up.
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I think I saw this fellow at the pub the other night. Dressed in black? Bruised shin? Stealing sips of beer while no one was looking…?
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Actually, I think he took my toaster…
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But if you didn’t hear him take it? He’s improving….
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Yeah, but I noticed that my coffee table had been violently thrown across the room.
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“I thought that my father was an assassin for a few years, but it turned out he was just a really bad driver.” and “I’m a people person.” Made me laugh – another fun morning read! 🙂
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Thanks, Robyn. I was worried about the “people person” item… You help me a lot when you tell me which ones you liked. Yeah, I know I’ve said that before… but, as a mom, you might’ve forgotten due to all the chaos that happens daily…
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I remembered! (Go mom brain!) I liked that one because it was so counterintuitive (if that’s the right word). It was the last thing I thought Jr would say which made me laugh 🙂
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Hysterical!
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Thanks, George. Where’d your writing go?
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Thanks for asking! I’m brewin’ up a pot now…
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Hahaha!😄 The most “gang members” kill because they must impress. Why did they not ask how much they will earn in prison?😄😄😄 Ok A low comment maybe…We got ta have this issues now here in Sweden. And where do it come from??? US! Before internet it come here about 2-3 years later, now days same day or the next! My recommendation is to forbid weapon to everyone over 18 years old, they can be a potential killer!😠😠😠 Here in Sweden you can only use your weapon in a weapon club and NOT hve it at home. But it come much nonlegal weapon here as well…
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When I was a boy, the people that had guns were people who needed them… to hunt, protect livestock. Some time around the eighties, the NRA decided they could make a lot of money scaring the hell out of people and getting them to buy guns.
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Pot brewed and post poured. Thanks again for asking.
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Read and enjoyed. Thanks!
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no self-respecting assassin will answer such questions, except you chose one who killed his, definitely a people person
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Fortunately, this assassin had no self-respect…
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