Some Defunct American Political Parties of Note

America First Party: Established in 1943 by Gerald L. K. Smith because isolationism worked out so well before World War Two. Their favorite candidate for the 1944 election was aviator and Nazi sympathizer Charles Lindbergh. They called themselves the America First Party because “The Let Hitler Take Over the Entire World Except Us of Course Party” wouldn’t fit on coffee mugs and t-shirts…

Home Rule Party of Hawaii: Created in the first years of the twentieth century, the Home Rule Party of Hawaii was founded because native Hawaiians had the crazy idea that they wouldn’t be able to trust the same two parties that helped depose their queen and turn them into a giant pineapple factory. The party failed to gain a majority Hawaii’s legislature when Prince Kuhio formed the Hui Kuokoa Party with the platform that the Hawaiian’s add consonants to their alphabet and stop charging so damned much for macadamia nuts.

The Anti-Monopoly Party: Established in 1884 at the start of the industrial revolution. This was an anti-trust party that felt those who monopolized business sectors should go to jail, directly to jail… and not collect two hundred dollars (which, in 1884 was worth three hundred million dollars).

The Umoja Party: “Umoja” is the Swahili word for “unity”. This far left, Statehood for the District of Columbia party was established in 1993 but failed in seven years because not enough of its members understood Swahili…

The Anti-Masonic Party: This was the first “third party” but it was never very successful because they didn’t have a secret handshake.

The Know-Nothing Party: This anti-immigrant, anti-Catholic political party was essentially the KKK but with better hats and diction. They dissolved before the Civil War; however, actor John Banner considered running under that party’s flag in the seventies. (Classic television joke… sorry…).

The Greenback Party: An early labor party, it attempted to institute eight hour work days and other worker rights by uniting labor unions with farmers. Unfortunately, that was impossible due to the ridiculous hour at which the farmers went to bed. They also felt that a paper currency was best for prosperity because it was more easily manipulated and you could play Serial Number Poker with your friends.

The Law Preservation Party: If you were happy with prohibition, this was the party for you. Primarily in New York in the thirties, they often managed to lose by non-embarrassing margins… at times getting up to twenty percent of the vote in state elections. Coincidentally, twenty percent is exactly the proportion of joyless prigs to the rest of the population…

The Independent Anti-Mormon Party of Oneida County: You have to admit, with a name like that one they weren’t very likely to back-peddle on their main platform. Idaho was a hotbed of anti-Mormonism in 1884, so much so that Mormons weren’t even allowed to run for office. The big issue was polygamy. Idaholics did not want to live in a state where a man could win a congressional seat entirely on the votes of his wives and children.

Free Soil Party (1848): An abolitionist party whose goal was to stop slavery from moving into the new Western states. Unfortunately, the name confused a lot of people who felt they’d be receiving all the dirt they’d ever need and not have to pay for it…