Check the color. For example, if you are looking at bananas, check for a firm yellow texture with a little green at the top. If the banana is red at the top, it has probably been used as a murder weapon so DO NOT GET YOUR FINGERPRINTS ON IT.
Tap watermelons: If they sound hollow, they are ripe. If they return a dull sound, they are probably unripe. If they scream, you’ve probably just sexually assaulted a fellow shopper who is wearing green stretch-pants.
Some fruits you need to squeeze to determine ripeness… and some you squeeze to satisfy some primal need… like that avocado that led me on that time…
Check the smell. Ripe fruit should smell sweet. Overripe fruit will have either a rotted or alcohol odor. If your fruit smells like Dior perfume, you are probably sniffing Charlize Theron.
Avoid shriveled citrus, especially if you owe it money.
You want your quinces to be firm with a golden color… I suppose… I really don’t know any of you that well…
Avoid cantaloupes with soft spots… unless that have a soft spot for hard luck stories from tough young blondes who are just trying to make it in a world that has grown too big for them. Because a cantaloupe like THAT, you really want to get to know…
Choose figs that are soft, plump and have intact stems. The stems make it easier to throw them in the garbage after you finally find out what a fresh fig tastes like.
Look for grapes firmly attached to flexible greenish stems. When you find them, tell ’em that Charlie says, “Hey!”…
If you are looking for the perfect tomato, look for one that is heavy with a deep color and glossy appearance. If you are looking for an imperfect tomato, choose one that is heavy with a deep color and glossy appearance AND is prone to drooling and farts…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I let big basket guys do the maths and science of fruits for me. Also, in India the golden rule is choose the fruit of the season, mango season is over for instance and with it all interest in fruits.
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By coincidence, I’ve got a mango on my window sill right now…
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that made me jealous
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btw there are stores that sell mangoes throughout the year even in India, but most don’t eat out of season.
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We have access to mangoes from the Caribbean and from Mexico, so they are pretty much there all year…
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This advice sounds like a lemon 😊
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When life gives you lemons… start a blog!
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Guess what.
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What?
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Oh, those slutty avocados…. they’ll get you every time.
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Avocados are the pits…
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“The stems make it easier to throw them in the garbage after you finally find out what a fresh fig tastes like.” and the one about quinces were my favorites. I am going to be looking (and feeling) my fruit under a different mindset today 🙂
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I’m positive that your fruit will notice the change…
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One of your best! Love the title, too!
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This was great! Very informative. But do you have any Asparagus tips?
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I take my hat off to you!
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