I’ve Sandwiched in these Thoughts on Cold Cuts

Posted on by masercot
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What’s the problem?  Children love meat and clowns…

Bologna:  The head honcho of cold cuts. A nice mix of meat vomit, ectoplasm and discarded methamphetamine. In the United States it is consumed in great amounts as kind of a “pauper chow”.  When we’d go on a trip, my dad would stop at a grocery store and pick up a pack of bologna, a loaf of white bread and mustard… saving us from the horrible fate of delicious burgers and fries.  I never thanked him properly because abusing the elderly is WRONG…

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Olive Loaf:  You know that SOMEONE was eating a bologna sandwich once and thought to himself, “Bologna’s good alright, but how can we both make it saltier and make the texture even more skin-crawling?”.  And, so olive loaf was born… and like most things just born, it didn’t look like something ANYONE wanted to touch.

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Corned Beef:  Salty with a meaty texture… there is nothing bad about corned beef.  It makes going into a Jewish Deli worthwhile, despite their lack of cheeseburgers.  I often wonder, though, as good as corned beef is, why they don’t corn other meats.  Then, I imagine the horrors the Japanese could come up with corning octopus, trout or eel and I think to myself, “Corned eel?” and I say those two words over and over until I doubt that they have any meaning at all. Then, I start to doubt language is real because maybe it is just an afterthought and we are really just reading each other’s minds with a soundtrack. Then, I begin to doubt reality itself. And, then I take my medication.

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Mortadella:  Let’s say that your bologna was sitting in the refrigerator and your pistachios and pork fat cubes snuck in and the three of them had some kind of sick Penthouse-forum type orgy so disgusting that decency forbids me soiling the internet with the description.  You open the fridge the next day and the three of them lay there, entwined and spent and deeply shamed, and THAT is mortadella.  Fun fact:  In Italian, “mortadella” means “dead Della”… Della being the last person to try it before they got the recipe right…

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Liverwurst:  Makes a great sandwich with raw onions; also, its ingredient list is the only place you’ll ever see the term “finest hog livers” used non-ironically.

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Cold Turkey:  Makes the day after Thanksgiving the best day of the year… well THAT and the fact that everyone has left my home leaving me alone with massive amounts of leftovers and two pies.

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Pickle Loaf:  Are you a man who can only afford bologna but are too much of a “go get ’em” businessman to have time to add your own pickles to your sandwich?  Well, food science has anticipated your needs…

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Ham:  Ham is perfect, ham is swell.  If you don’t like it, go to Hell.  Everyone likes ham—it’s true; you can put it in an omelet or stuff it in your shoe.  But, because ham is a salty meat, you’ll see some swelling in your feet.  Burma Shave!

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Blood Tongue:  Also known as “zungenwurst”, which I believe is German for “Good heavens!  What have you DONE???”  If you ever get a craving for suet, oatmeal, pig’s blood, bread crumbs and chunks of pickled tongue, not only is this the snack for you but I recommend you find a good obstetrician…

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Pork Roll:  Available in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and anywhere else that life is cheap.  Like most foods with the shape included in the name, this is an acquired taste… usually acquired through starvation in a windowless basement…

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30 thoughts on “I’ve Sandwiched in these Thoughts on Cold Cuts”

  3. “And, so olive loaf was born… and like most things just born, it didn’t look like something ANYONE wanted to touch.” This whole list really made me smile. Blood Tongue, Pickle Loaf and what you did with ham there were my favorites. And I do have a special place for liverwurst. Haven’t had it in forever – and it’s actual content really does gross me out. But it is a pleasure.

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    1. My ex-wife always had a food craving whenever we went on vacation. When we went to Baltimore, it was meatloaf. There was a cafe known for its meat loaf in the city. But, when we went there for lunch, all they had were meatloaf sandwiches. She walked out in a huff, with a hungry husband and two hungry kids protesting. Then, she went to a grocery store and bought herself a frozen slice of meatloaf and ate it at the hotel.

      I didn’t say it was an INTERESTING story…

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  9. No Braunschweiger? Blasphemy. I have no idea what’s in it, only that I liked it as a kid. Probably some awful organ-pate’… I ate a lot of mayo and Braunschweiger sammiiches in second grade. I am gross.

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    1. I didn’t mean to slight braunschweiger fans. I too have had the braunschweiger and mayonnaise sandwiches. It was, however, too close to liverwurst… and, I had to do liverwurst because their influence reaches far… even into the blogging community.

      I’ve said too much, already…

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Published by masercot