Dying Bees: Here’s a riddle for you: What creature has the same name as the letter of the alphabet and also put my cousin into anaphylactic shock? And, remember that “jellyfish” is not a letter of the alphabet. Yes, I know they pollinate stuff but so do other creatures. I’ve got my eye on some grasshoppers with nothing better to do who’d take that job in a second. Will you miss honey? Well, start getting used to high fructose corn syrup like the rest of humanity…
Helium Shortage: Give a toddler a helium balloon and it seems the greatest and most magical gift ever. Within a few minutes, that balloon is floating into the ether and the child has just made the decision to become a serial killer in sixteen years. If you’re a scientist and need helium for science stuff, there’s some on the moon… there’s even Helium 3; if that is anything like the PlayStation 3, Helium 3 will be much like regular helium except it will also play Blu-ray movies.
Nuclear War: No one has used nuclear weapons against their enemies in nearly forty-five years. If we extrapolate that number, it means no one will EVER use nuclear weapons. No one can argue with that logic.
Refugee Crisis: A lot of people get upset about refugees from other nations. These nations may be troubled by starvation, war or overpopulation; so, they come to more industrialized nations. Some say that they bring down the quality of life for the people in the nations that they come to; but, if the quality gets too bad, they can leave their country and go to a better country as a refugee.
Poisoning our Drinking Water: Arsenic and cyanide in your drinking water? Thank your lucky stars. Because arsenic sells for three dollars a gram and you are getting it for almost NOTHING. If you can sell the poisons you get in your drinking water, you can use that money to buy drinking water.
Obesity Crisis: Yeah, we’re all getting fat because food is good and exercise is optional. But remember that fat people are jolly so whatever extra medical costs our society has to pay is offset by our nation’s vastly improved attitude.
Changing Weather: Category 5 hurricanes are terrifying and I’d consider them a crisis if most of our nation’s climate change deniers weren’t living where these hurricanes usually make landfall.
Asteroid Strike: Relax… asteroids and comets only land in regions where there are Russians or dinosaurs; and, we aren’t either.
AI: The thought of super-intelligent computers destroying us is ridiculous. They are benign entities… even helpful… if you ignore the fact that they take our jobs, crash the stock market and empty our bank accounts.
The Dissolution of the E.U.: It might be economically devastating for the four or five countries that make up Europe; but, on the plus side, our crossword puzzles will once again be full of “lira”, “shillings” and “deutschmarks”…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I quite like bees, its the spiders and snakes that I hate and spider eating snakes are just the worst
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Did you ever find a ranged fairy tale weapon to your liking, Deb?
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Cupids bow and arrow, courtesy of my partners
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Much better than mine!
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That’s the spirit! All those silly people in Detroit complaining about their water just don’t appreciate free lead. Damned rude of them really.
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Think of the number of pencils they can make from that lead. And, with those pencils, they can write their congressmen…
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“And, remember that “jellyfish” is not a letter of the alphabet.” and “Arsenic and cyanide in your drinking water? Thank your lucky stars.” made me laugh – love the little quips in each but these were my favorites
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Thanks, Robyn. I’m taking next week off, but I’m publishing some of my “This Day in History” columns. Don’t consider it a punishment despite the fact that it might be…
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I’m sure I will like them – enjoy your time off (even if it is just from blogging) 🙂
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There’s plenty of helium in Jupiter. If scientists were really concerned about a shortage of helium they would design rockets to go and collect it from there. I think they’re just being slackers and probably wasting their time inhaling whatever precious little helium there is left and speaking in silly voices.
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Make jokes all you want but, when I worked at Texas Instruments, we had a problem running out of tanks of helium because the technicians were… you guessed it… inhaling it and speaking in silly voices.
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I thought one of these would be “crises, in general…”
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Actually, that would’ve been pretty funny in the middle somewhere. Where were you when I was writing this one?
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Probably eating or sleeping.
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Should you still worry about the asteroid if you’re part Russian?
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Well, part of an asteroid, anyway…
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Time to brush up on some dodge ball skills…
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I hear that feints don’t work well…
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There are the crises and there’s always a bright side, especially when you are not so bright.
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As in, a good optimistic attitude is a clear indication that you do not know what is going on…?
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Yeah 🙂
also, that’s the usual pessimist view,
also, when you are bright everything seems less so
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