Dying Bees: Here’s a riddle for you: What creature has the same name as the letter of the alphabet and also put my cousin into anaphylactic shock? And, remember that “jellyfish” is not a letter of the alphabet. Yes, I know they pollinate stuff but so do other creatures. I’ve got my eye on some grasshoppers with nothing better to do who’d take that job in a second. Will you miss honey? Well, start getting used to high fructose corn syrup like the rest of humanity…
Helium Shortage: Give a toddler a helium balloon and it seems the greatest and most magical gift ever. Within a few minutes, that balloon is floating into the ether and the child has just made the decision to become a serial killer in sixteen years. If you’re a scientist and need helium for science stuff, there’s some on the moon… there’s even Helium 3; if that is anything like the PlayStation 3, Helium 3 will be much like regular helium except it will also play Blu-ray movies.
Nuclear War: No one has used nuclear weapons against their enemies in nearly forty-five years. If we extrapolate that number, it means no one will EVER use nuclear weapons. No one can argue with that logic.
Refugee Crisis: A lot of people get upset about refugees from other nations. These nations may be troubled by starvation, war or overpopulation; so, they come to more industrialized nations. Some say that they bring down the quality of life for the people in the nations that they come to; but, if the quality gets too bad, they can leave their country and go to a better country as a refugee.
Poisoning our Drinking Water: Arsenic and cyanide in your drinking water? Thank your lucky stars. Because arsenic sells for three dollars a gram and you are getting it for almost NOTHING. If you can sell the poisons you get in your drinking water, you can use that money to buy drinking water.
Obesity Crisis: Yeah, we’re all getting fat because food is good and exercise is optional. But remember that fat people are jolly so whatever extra medical costs our society has to pay is offset by our nation’s vastly improved attitude.
Changing Weather: Category 5 hurricanes are terrifying and I’d consider them a crisis if most of our nation’s climate change deniers weren’t living where these hurricanes usually make landfall.
Asteroid Strike: Relax… asteroids and comets only land in regions where there are Russians or dinosaurs; and, we aren’t either.
AI: The thought of super-intelligent computers destroying us is ridiculous. They are benign entities… even helpful… if you ignore the fact that they take our jobs, crash the stock market and empty our bank accounts.
The Dissolution of the E.U.: It might be economically devastating for the four or five countries that make up Europe; but, on the plus side, our crossword puzzles will once again be full of “lira”, “shillings” and “deutschmarks”…