Movies I Hate

Terms of Endearment:  A “chick-flick” to end all chick-flicks… if only that were true. As if I needed ANOTHER reason to hate Shirley Maclaine. The lead actress has a voice lower than mine… all the female characters are crazy, adulterous and self righteous and the lead female character dies at the end… YES I SPOILED IT.  But, I did it so you don’t have to see it.  I not only want that two hours of my life back, I also demand that same two hours be subtracted from the lives of everyone involved in that film…

Hulk:  What if the Hulk were suffering from anxiety?  What if the big green guy had deep-seated doubts that came out as he fell from the stratosphere in some sort of an interpretive dream?  The movie is a monster therapy session with the added attraction of inside-out dogs…

Any Ritz Brothers Movie:  I doubt you know who the Ritz Brothers were and there is a great reason for that.  They were created for people who liked the Marx Brothers only they didn’t like the fact that they were funny. The Ritz’s put so much effort into TRYING to be funny that you almost feel sorry for them; but, the person you feel the most sorry for is yourself, for watching them.

Invasion USA:  A movie about an alternate universe in which a few dozen terrorists just drive up to our shore in boats and attack a large city of perhaps a million people… and would’ve won if it wasn’t for Chuck Norris using his guns and wits… although the emphasis is on the guns.  This movie was a far right-winger’s wet dream until the recent past when they learned to love any repressive government our president tells them to.

Game of Death:  Bruce Lee was big box office when he was making this movie.  Sadly, he only made thirty minutes of it before dying at a young age.  So, the film was put away in respect for Lee’s vision for the movie—JUST KIDDING.  They frankensteined a movie from it with a look-alike that didn’t look much like Bruce Lee… old footage from other movies and, in one case, a Bruce Lee mask.  It was the equivalent of having your grave urinated on by the entire population of Ottawa…

Amadeus:  The guy from Animal House plays an incredibly brilliant musician who is tricked into dying by some guy in a mask.  The movie is biographical in that it mirrors Mozart’s life in literally no way at all.

Face Off:  Yeah, the plot is ridiculous, but it asks important questions like, “If I had a choice, why would I willingly take Nicholas Cage’s face?”.  I suppose, as an action movie, it definitely has some interesting gunfights with lots of unnecessary somersaults and doves. Most of the performances are pretty muted because Cage and Travolta overact enough for the entire cast.

Flash Dance:  Will she make it as a dancer and leave her 9-5 welding job behind her?  WHO CARES???  My girlfriend walked me out of a perfectly good women’s prison movie to see Flash Dance.  Now, I’ll never know if Linda Blair finished showering…  I NEED CLOSURE…

Philadelphia Story:  Is it possible to hate every protagonist in a show that isn’t Always Sunny in Philadelphia?  The movie boils down to old money good guys vs nouveau riche bad guys who had to work for a living before they hit it big.  It was like a reverse Caddyshack where Rodney Dangerfield ends up in state prison…

Any Jerry Lewis move after The Family Jewels:  Lewis’ movies became a disjointed set of physical comedy sketches stolen from golden age comics of the thirties with long stretches of boring in between so you could go to the snack bar and get back before anything happened.  One of those movies, The Day the Clown Cried, was so horrible that no one is allowed to ever see it.  In fact, Lewis started his Muscular Dystrophy Telethon because someone told him that sick children would be funnier than his movies and he replied