Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog: The Final Epilogue

Posted on by masercot

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

Despite my prohibition against pets, my son found a stray beatnik while playing with friends in a vacant lot a few blocks away. We kept him in the garage and nursed him back to health with cups of espresso; but, now that he’s better, he refuses to leave. He just lies on our couch listening to jazz music and reading Alan Ginsberg. And, he’s a bad influence on my son. I told my son to finish his oatmeal and he called me a “fascist”. Is there a beatnik spray I can use? Home Depot doesn’t seem to have anything.

Fascist in Fort Worth

Dear Worth,

I’ve heard people have some success placing saucers of cola mixed with vinegar around the area of infestation; but, the only fool-proof method of getting rid of beatniks is accordion music… even kills their eggs.

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Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

I tried the patch, nicotine gum and hypnosis but none of those seem to be an appropriate birthday gift for a two year old girl. I need to find SOMETHING because on her first birthday, I gave her a package of expanding bolts and she cried until she spit up; then, she wouldn’t talk to me or anyone else for six months. Any suggestions?

Uncle Doghouse

Dear Uncle,

Toddlers are very particular but also have the shortest memories in the animal kingdom. You could cut off a toddler’s ear and, five minutes later, he would be calmly sticking his finger in the dog’s eye and giggling like an idiot. I recommend something bright and attention-grabbing like a disco-ball or a road-flare.

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Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

Friends told me I needed to be bolder in asking women out so I decided to go all or nothing and I asked out the prettiest girl in my class. My question to you is how long do I have to shower before I can get the smell of failure and rejection off of me? Asking for a friend.

Shot Down in Shelby County

Dear Down,

No more than a weekend, alternating baths and showers. Half that if you use tomato juice.

18 thoughts on “Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog: The Final Epilogue”

  4. Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent dog,

    I am so sick of Donald Trump that even the sight of him on TV makes me puke. I tried pitching my puke at the TV screen, but he just kept on babbling — even after I turn off the TV. Can you recommend a good puke and/or Trump remover? .

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