So, You’re in a Western Movie and You’ve Been Challenged to a Gunfight

Posted on by masercot

Image result for gunfight high noon

If you are fighting a good guy, don’t worry about it. He’ll either shoot you in the shoulder or the hand so you won’t die until sepsis or gangrene kicks in three days later.

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When having a gun-fight, always keep the Sun behind you because why add skin cancer to being shot?

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If you are gun-fighting a group, you are sure to discover that the deputy, who everyone in town THOUGHT was a coward, turns out to be a very brave man… but, an astoundingly bad shot and precious little help.

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Remember: There’s a ninety-five percent chance that one of the bad guy’s henchmen is the guy who killed your brother in cold blood during a poker game in Abilene, so MULTITASK!

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Don’t worry about someone shooting you in the back after you kill the bad guy. The town prostitute, who you reformed, will jump between you and the bullet, taking it in the stomach, saving you from a lot of uncomfortable plot points.

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After you’ve single-handedly killed the bad guys, the town will offer you the sheriff’s badge, which you will humbly accept; UNLESS, you already WERE the sheriff, then you throw the badge in their faces. This is known as “badge toggle”.

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If the nickname of the guy you are gun-fighting ends with “kid”, be careful because he’s probably really good and has youth on his side as well. If you kill him, prepare for Child Protective Services to be all over you.

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If the nickname of the guy you are gun-fighting ends with, “the destroyer of planets”, you are probably in WAY over your head.

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When the bad guy draws his gun, he will be momentarily paralyzed by the existential crisis of murdering another human being and its implications in a paradigm where the concept of existence is not fully understood or accepted. At this point, shoot him and then thank God that you took that freshman philosophy class on Jean Paul Sartre.

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Certainly, you promised your saintly mother on her death bed that you’d never pick up a six gun again; but, the town’s in trouble and people will die if you don’t. Plus, YOU are the reason she was on her death bed because you reflexively shot her and two of your cousins for holding a surprise birthday party for you.

13 thoughts on “So, You’re in a Western Movie and You’ve Been Challenged to a Gunfight”

  1. This is a lot to keep in mind but valid points all. I think I may have to ask everyone to wear a nametag so I don’t mistake the “kid” from “the destroyer of planets” – although I think I would be screwed either way.

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    1. My dad’s fault. He was really into westerns… probably because he was a cowboy growing up… a bronc-buster. So, we had a lot of John Wayne, Gene Autry and Audie Murphy goin’ on Saturday afternoon on television.

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      1. My dad too! Saturday morning at the westerns is how we rolled into the weekend. I just had to Google it to remember the name – Th Rifleman was the one we watched the most.

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  2. You find yourself “saving” a town from a group of gun fighters that the townsfolk double crossed, but you ensure as many townsfolk get killed during the gunfight as possible as you’re actually the avenging ghost of a marshal the townsfolk also had murdered, and you also make sure as much of the town as possible gets destroyed in the process… Sorry been watching some Clint Eastwood westerns lately…

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    1. Actually, in the real West, most gunfights were sneaking up on an enemy and shooting him in the back. There weren’t many actual gunfights. People then were pretty much like they are now, Ray…

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