Almanac: February 12

The Battle of Herrings was fought on this day in 1429… the medieval conflict with the HILARIOUS name. Supplies were being delivered to the English soldiers that were besieging the walled city of Orleans; but, they were intercepted en route at Rouvray, a settlement with the distinction of being the hardest town for Koreans to pronounce. The barrels of herring were for those meatless Fridays the church insisted upon. English archers repelled Scottish infantry and French knights, mostly by shooting arrows at them but historians agree that their personalities also had something to do with it. Ultimately, the English soldiers got their herring but lost Orleans because of the charismatic and deranged Joan of Arc, the last teenager to accomplish something without rolling her eyes and exclaiming, “BORED!”.

Variety show host and entertainer Ted Mack was born on February 12^th in 1904. He is best known for hosting the radio and television program, The Original Amateur Hour, considered the finest half hour on the Dumont Network. The program is known for launching the career of Pat Boone, although, without proof, no charges could ever be filed against the show’s producers.

▀

If you are born on this day, you are charming, impulsive and romantic… so, essentially a stalker. Your wide range of friends is the perfect compliment to your wild mood swings and occasional felonies. Your lucky color is jet black; your lucky quirk is repeating yourself; and, your lucky quirk is repeating yourself.

♦

For farmers, this is about the time that cows start calving. Farmers take special care in the case of breach birth or other obstetric emergencies. Most calves will be given to their mothers to nurse, but the Siamese twins and multi-headed calves will be sold to overseas sideshows, museums and to that farmer near the county line that no one will shake hands with for some reason.

♦

I don’t know if you’ve caught that it is Red Hand Day. Also known as “The International Day against the Use of Child Soldiers”. Even today, tens of thousands of children are used as soldiers. The purpose of Red Hand day is to pressure those who use child soldiers with petitions and letters because everyone knows that rulers who use child soldiers are particularly vulnerable to arguments about morality.

♥

Today’s snippet: … everyone watched as the last Fred was lifted by crane to the top. “Call the president”, ordered the chief engineer, “It is finished” He scanned his work. As far as the eye could see, it was Fred standing on Fred, six Freds high all the way to the horizon… ultimately spanning from Minnesota to Louisiana.

When the president arrived and saw the wall of Freds, he pondered for a moment. “I think you misheard me”, he told the chief engineer.

They heard a faint voice from the top of the wall of Freds, a Fred Wallace, “I still get paid, right?”