Old Stuff: Ax of Kindness

The ax was created by prehistoric man who found that wood was far more useful if it wasn’t still attached to the tree. The development of the ax as a weapon probably occurred when someone was harassing or insulting a man who had an ax in his hand. The man thinks to himself, “If you were only a tree, I’d show you”. At this point, an epiphany occurs and the harasser becomes the first person to die from a priori reasoning.

The ax, as a weapon, requires your full commitment. If you change your mind mid-swing, be prepared for guilt and for the immediate need for a clean shirt. We call a weaponized ax a “war ax”. There is no “peace ax” because the concept of a peace axe is almost ludicrous. There was the Lorax who speaks for the trees; alternately, the war ax spoke for the Vikings who might or might not has spoken for the trees. I’d imagine that varied from Viking to Viking…

Lizzie Bordon was found “not guilty” of killing her parents with an ax; however, the verdict was not from a jury of her peers. I doubt more an a couple of the jurors were ax-murderers themselves. Really, how could a non-ax-murderer relate to her at all? I’m not saying that she was guilty, but, she WAS a meaty woman with arms like a truck-driver; and, sometimes your parents deserve a good hacking…

Some notable axes are:

The Shepherd’s Ax is a combination ax, hammer and walking stick which worked well as none of those things. As a weapon, it struck apathy into the heart of the shepherd’s enemy, which I guess would be a wolf. Killing a wolf with a light ax head on the end of a long stick would be nearly impossible if the wolf had at least two of its legs. Sure, the woodsman in Red Riding Hood killed a wolf with an ax; but that wolf had an old woman and a little girl in his belly and was probably lying on his side struggling just to breathe. I’m not entirely sure what a shepherd might need to hammer. Not a lot of construction going on in secluded meadows…

Think of it as a Swiss Army Ax if, instead of being invented by the Swiss, it was invented by idiots. It was used primarily in Slavic nations whose populace was used to sadness and failure.

A Hurlbat is an ax that you throw or maybe a club or possibly a gravy boat. No one really knows what one was or who exactly used it or why they stopped. Hurlbats are mentioned in historical tomes but, just like your sixteen year old after getting home at dawn, details are in very short supply. They are also called Whirlbats or Whorlbats. That has got to be a record number of synonyms for something no one can really define.

Dagger-ax: The coolest name for an ax that you’ll ever see… way cooler than “ge”, which is the Chinese name for it (although “ge” may be pretty cool sounding to the Chinese, I’ll have to ask). This has an ax head, a spearhead, a couple of metal points that defy description and a pointed handle. No matter what part of it you hit your opponent with, they are bound to get bloody. It is the Han dynasty equivalent of fishing with dynamite.