how to strangle your vulture

So, you bought a vulture… Congratulations! You have purchased a life-long friend, provided you only have ten or so years left to live. Check with your doctor. The novelty of owning a vulture far outweighs the bad-breath and crippling injuries you might suffer from their beaks or talons. And, they can be a godsend should something die in your yard. With a wing-span of up to six feet, you can use them to hold parking spots at a crowded shopping center. And, with their bald heads, they look more like Vin Diesel than any other bird besides the pine thrush…

Why do you want to strangle your vulture?… Could be one of many reasons: Mistaken identity; boredom; maybe you’re trying to litter-box train the bird and you don’t have your riding crop handy; maybe he looks exactly like the uncle that did unspeakable things to you… The important thing to remember is… IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. If you want to assault a vulture by squeezing it around the throat, I’m going to assume that it is for a very good reason.

How to strangle your vulture… There are as many ways to strangle a vulture as there are reasons for strangling them. In the nineteen-thirties and forties, most owners preferred to strangle their birds from the front, like the murders in so many old haunted house movies. By the nineteen-fifties, people were coming up behind the birds and taking their throats in the crook of their elbows. In the nineteen-seventies, the preferred way was to use a silk handkerchief, preferably one that smelt of teaberry. In the nineteen-eighties, vultures went mostly unstrangled because everyone was snorting coke and dancing.

There are Limitations… It is the twenty-first century and you can’t just strangle animals willy-nilly. If you touch a vulture without its consent, you have committed an act of sexual harassment and it will see you in court. So, use a garrote. If you don’t own a garrote, a nylon stocking, then. I can tell you from past experience that a stocking makes an effective strangulation device and never cheat on a woman who takes anti-psychotic medication. You can’t terrify a vulture before strangling it, either. So, assure your vulture that everything’s going to be all right and that the stocking is just a fashion choice.

The Most Important Thing… is to HAVE FUN. This can be a learning experience for both you and your scavenging bird. You’ll learn just how long to tighten the noose before the large bird loses consciousness; and, your vulture will learn to run like Hell when it sees you carrying a pair of pantyhose. It’s just as woodsmen all over contend: You can’t REALLY understand nature until you murder a small part of it…