Bad Movie Names for Bad Movies

Posted on by masercot

Le Cirque des vampires - Du sang sur l'ecran

Vampire Circus: Another Hammer Studios vampire film but extra bleak because it was set in Serbia… a place so terrifying you don’t even really NEED vampires. But, without vampire clowns, the vampire circus is just a bunch of FREAKS jumping around in leotards, biting each other with abandon. This movie was shot in six weeks. If the director had been shot right before that, the studio could’ve avoided a lot of embarrassment…

Octopussy: No… it’s not a gynecological birth defect. In the book, it was an actual octopus; but, with Roger Moore, or “Drunk Uncle Bond”, you needed something more subtle, like a gang of acrobatic killer floozies who descend on the enemy with hot air balloons. I wish I were making that up. Warning: Multiple clown murders.

What?: Did you ever wonder what Alice in Wonderland would’ve been like if it were set in an Italian villa and Alice wasn’t wearing pants? Me too! Turns out you get a movie called Que! Or What!. I saw this movie and it was no more incomprehensible than Bulgarian instructions for building a mainframe computer.

Swept Away by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August: Shipwreck, battle of the sexes, light-hearted rape… another Italian sex comedy that isn’t funny or particularly sexy. But, that long title is unforgettable.

Blacula: Putting your race into your name seems a little crass. I’m not even comfortable Blacula - Wikipediasaying the name “Tom Holland”, actually. This was an urban vampire movie with a jump scare so unexpected, it caused one of my testicles to take refuge in my body cavity. Sadly, this is one of those movies with one really GREAT actor and a whole lot of amateurs, so it’s kind of an uneven experience…

Ecks vs Sever: Everyone should see this Antonio Banderas/Lucy Lui action film. Already sporting a title that reads like a random phrase generator, it goes on to be a movie so surrealistically confusing that the scenes can be shown in any order and the dialog can be replaced with the sound of cows chewing and IT STILL MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENSE. The movie is, for want of a better word, PERFECT.

It Follows: What is “it”? Apparently, any extra that could be put into a hospital gown and make a scary face. They tried using the same vagueness in the golem movie, It… and in the scary clown movie, It. Everyone knows that “it” is the most terrifying of the pronouns. Frankly, if you’re going to make a movie, go to the extra effort of thinking up a proper noun…

Billy the Kid vs. Dracula: Okay, this is the kind of movie where the title makes it look interesting and fun; but, when you wake up and see the credits, you realize you’ve dodged a bullet… a SILVER bullet… I guess… I actually DID sleep through this one.

Snakes on a Plane: The title that is also the premise. If they’d also included the ending in TVC - Movie: Snakes On A Plane (2006) - YouTubethe title the actual movie never would’ve had to have been made. Samuel L. Jackson is in this one so it is a total GAS to watch on commercial television to see how creatively they dub over Jackson’s ample swearing.

Die Another Day: What is it with James Bond movie titles and the word “die”? Live and Let Die, Die Another Day, No Time to Die, Die-Finger and The Die Who Loved Me. The word loses its impact if you use it to often. Like when you scream “I’m going to kill you” to your three-year-old: The first few times might frighten him… but, it will have little impact once he’s killed that part of his psyche that feels emotions.

21 thoughts on “Bad Movie Names for Bad Movies”

    1. You’ve gotta remember that Ian Fleming was a Brit and “pussy” was mostly used as an endearment for pet cats. Here in the states, we managed to destroy the word for ninety-eight percent of people. Just like “queer”… I enjoyed that word…

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      2. Not as bad as the movie, though. I literally groaned out loud when the lady acrobats saved the day leaping from a hot air balloon. In the theater. Someone was trying to give me CPR…

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  5. My favourite bad movies are always the Canadian end-of-the-world movies. They always include two teenagers (who save the day of course – usually with their computer acumen – and some old science dude who is the only one to take them seriously while the government actively tries to stop them. Bad Canadian end-of-the-world movies are ALWAYS set in the United States because apparently, Canadian places are just too lacklustre to even imagine being destroyed (usually by aliens but occasionally by lava). I cannot think of a single movie title but there are LOTS and they are entertainingly bad: always an occasion to break out the popcorn and sit back and have a great laugh for a few hours of your life that you’ll never get back 😃

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  6. “Snakes on a Plane: the title is the premise.”
    Yes! I can’t stand that. You probably could do a whole post on that. Like Throw Mama From the Train.
    Or even, what would certain movies have been titled if they used that algorithm of title=premise?

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Published by masercot