Alboin, King of the Lombards

Some people reach the end of their lives and suddenly realize that their entire existence was nothing more than an object lesson for future generations. I’m hoping that my life is more of a parable, but friends tell me that I’m dreaming.  Alboin, king of the Lombards, was very successful as a ruler and a military leader; but all people will remember is the moral behind his death: Keep your friends close and your enemies way the hell away from you.  And, for God’s sake, don’t marry one of them…

Alboin did not start off as king of the Lombards. He started as a fetus and worked his way up. His father, Audoin, was king of the Lombards at the time, so I’d imagine that Alboin had plenty of time to learn the ropes. Alboin was born some time in the decade of 530 to Roselinda, a woman that historians cannot place, but have definitely determined was not Canadian. Some say she was Goth, due to the fact that her nose was pierced and her hair died jet black; others say she was Bavarian. Those in the know claim she was the sister of Amalafrid, a Thuringian prince, so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

By 552, Alboin was on the battlefield and killing at a tenth grade level. At the Battle of Asfeld, he personally killed Gepid prince Turismod. This was no small feat, due to the fact that Turismod probably tried to defend himself at the time. It was in this battle, the Battle of Asfeld, which ended the three war struggle between the Gepids and the Lombards. Byzantine Emperor Justinian intervened to make sure that the Lombards didn’t overrun the Gepids. This peace, locked in freshness, so that the Gepids were crispy and delicious when they were completely conquered fifteen years later.

In 565, Alboin became king of the Lombards. He was elected by tribal chieftains who knew what was good for them. Shortly after this, the Gepids reared their ugly heads and it was war. Unfortunately for Alboin, the Byzantines had chosen to support the Gepids, militarily, philosophically and sporadically. Alboin was easily defeated with most of Europe’s armies on the other side; however, he was not a man to take defeat lying down in a gutter, just next to the storm drain where my friends had left me ‘cause they got tired of carrying me.

The Avars, ruled by Bayan and originally from the central Asian Steppes, were just hanging around Europe making the Roman Empire nervous. They were the perfect allies against the Gepids, because, just saying the word “Avar” to a Roman was enough to elicit a sharp and dog-like yelp of surprise. They were delighted to assist Albion; and, all they asked in return was everything. When the Gepids asked the Byzantines for military aid, they were told that the troops they would send would be invisible, but they’d be there soon. Actually, Justinian was pretty ticked at the Gepids so even if he did send invisible troops, he sent precious few…

Alboin met his second wife in the defining battle of the war while killing the woman’s father.  His first wife had just died and there was an opening. Historians say that he married the woman, named Rosamund, to gain the support of the non-killed Gepids. It was a mistake that would haunt him until his dying day. Actually, it didn’t haunt him UNTIL his dying day; but, on his dying day there was definitely a LOT of haunting.

So, Alboin wiped out the Gepids and no longer had to worry about a bunch of angry Gepids just over the border. No, they’d been replaced, with Avars…greedy, smelly and militarily superior Avars. Suddenly, attacking Rome didn’t seem like a bad idea. He got a group of non-Romans together, including the twenty thousand Saxons, assorted Gepids and the odd Bulgar and invaded the Western Roman Empire.

Actually, many historians look at this event as a migration, as in, “Wow! You really migrated the daylights out of him with that baseball bat”. There were at least one hundred and fifty thousand immigrants lead by Alboin into what is now Italy and probably will still be when you read this. What happened to Alboin’s kingdom? It’s a funny story.

Before leaving, Alboin signed a pact with the Avars, giving them his kingdom, with the stipulation that, if he didn’t find a decent home in Italy, he would get his kingdom back. Century Twenty-one had a similar deal with its customers a few years ago. On Easter day in 568, Alboin tossed the keys to Bayan, and started on his journey south. Alboin made the deal with the Avars so that he would be compelled to finish what he started; also, the Avars were probably going to take his kingdom anyway…

Well, Alboin met more resistance putting on his socks than he did from the Roman soldiers. He took one of their towns immediately and made it his capital city. This town was called Forum Iulii, but never to its face.  He put his nephew in charge of the town and surrounding area and established the Duchy of Friuli. Historians agree that you’d have to go a long way to find a better duchy.

Next, Alboin arrived in Venetia and met only token resistance; that is, a few of its inhabitants threw tokens at the invading army, probably more for the delicious pun than to defend the territory. He took most of the cities in Venetia before turning west and taking the city of Milan. It was this event that Alboin considered the beginning of his rule as “King of Italy”. Things were finally starting to go his way…

Unfortunately, his wife, Rosamund, was far too sensitive a woman. Apparently, she harbored a grudge against her husband simply because he’d forced her to drink wine out of her dead father’s head. Her father’s skull had been recycled as Alboin’s goblet, as was the custom in those days; during a raucous feast, Alboin compelled his wife to “drink merrily” with her father. Pretty funny, if you think about it. Some historians feel that, if Alboin hadn’t compelled his wife to drink wine out of her dad’s head, he might still be alive today…

Well, there comes a time when enough people want you dead to form a conspiracy. The Byzantines wanted Alboin dead; Alboin’s arms-bearer wanted Alboin dead; and, his wife wanted him dead, as well. On a summer’s day in 572, they went proactive on Alboin and slew him…mightily.

The duchies established by Alboin became the city-states of renaissance Italy; in fact, the actions of Alboin had established an Italy that would not be united again until the nineteenth century. It just shows how the simple act of making an alliance with a powerful ally, fleeing that ally over the Alps to despoil a weaker enemy and establishing a series of smaller kingdoms within a centrally-run empire can change the world.

Makes ya think…