Employ These Job Interview Tips

Wear a nice suit, neutral colors and a silk tie; because, nothing indicates that you are a crackerjack spot-welder more than your dressing like an earl. Be ready with three references whose voices you can easily mimic on the phone. Don’t be late.  In fact, get there early… like a day early.  Sleep in one […]

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What is Charlie Up to?

I buy fifty cd-roms a week so I can eventually backup the entire internet. I’m creating a snack food laced with barbiturates called Laze Potato Chips. I’m hollowing out birch seeds so that, when they are grown, I’ll have a ready-made canoe. I’m falsifying my driver’s license to match my falsified birth certificate. I’m shaving […]

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ASSk the ASStrologer

[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros] Dear ASSk the ASStrologer, My boyfriend and I want to get married.  Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June.  It’s obvious he isn’t going […]

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Flightless Facts about Emus

Emus exist in the wild only in Australia, which is a tough break for them… Female emus, or “femus”, are a little taller than their male counterparts (or “counterpemus”). Femus are also a little wider across the butt and pointing that out gets you a hard peck on the head. Emus can live up to […]

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How to Get Away with MURDER

Try to avoid leaving evidence behind. Don’t drop any hairs, fibers, saliva, sperm, eye-juice, old comic books or personal checks… If someone feels you have a grudge against the deceased, you will receive extra scrutiny. Be nice to your intended victim… really nice; but, if you end up having sex, REMEMBER, don’t drop any hairs, […]

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Holiday Travel Tips

Avoid peak travel times.  For example, if you normally travel the day before Thanksgiving, choose a less busy time, like the middle of October. If you have gifts you simply must bring, mail them instead and you save a lot of trouble; in fact, while the box is open, just jump in and save the […]

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