Why I Think a Dog would Make a Good President

Why do we revere democracy? Because it is the best way to get the best person into office. Oddly enough, only the rich seem to be the best persons… and, let’s face it, pretty bad at running the country. But, what if that person, the best one for the job, was a dog? I think we, as a nation, are ready for a President Daisy or President Rex.

These dogs mustn’t be owned pets. The owner would have undue influence over his former dog. I understand there’s going to be some tit-for-tat, especially if someone raised you from a puppy; but, what does a dog really owe his former owner? A couple of cans of dog food, a belly rub and maybe a no-nonsense, tough-on-squirrels approach to law enforcement.

As a nation, we’d certainly save money. White House dinners would be much cheaper because toilet water costs less than white wine and most champagnes. The White House furniture will last longer because the president will not be allowed on the couch. If the president commits a crime, instead of an expensive impeachment, he can be forced to wear a muzzle… or, better yet, a shock collar…

Dogs can smell fear and filibusters. President Daisy’s Chief of Staff could ask daily, “What is it girl? A cloture-proof silent filibuster? To the pork barrels!!!”

When in high-level economic summits, the president can work with our allies to produce a win/win arrangement in international trade. Plus, if one of the other leaders violates the agreement, our president can bite him. We want a tough and strong president. A president that won’t hesitate to attack any hostile nation provided they have a lot of cats or vacuum cleaners. If President Dog does go off the deep end and tries to do something reckless, he can be distracted with a squeaky ball.

It would be a different world: Imagine press conferences consisting of reporters chirping, “Here, boy!” and waving Milk Bones to get the president’s attention. Or, a senator calls the first lady a “total bitch” and she responds, “Thanks”. Maybe even an emergency edict to give canines the right to vote, provided both were born here or had married a dog already a resident… complete with an engagement party with those stupid tiny party hats they make dogs wear. The Secret Service will STILL be tasked with saving the president from would-be assassins; in addition, they’d have to keep the commander-in-chief from getting into the anti-freeze.

A dog-president would probably be the first commander-in-chief since Warren Harding to be able to lick his own genitals. I know that didn’t need to be said, but I was here at the end of this paragraph and thought I’d add it. Frankly, I’m not sure a dog-president would be a good thing; however, I’m thoroughly convinced it couldn’t be any worse than a human…