Bison Facts that I Once Herd

The bison is the largest mammal in North America, now that John Goodman has slimmed down. The bison is not a true buffalo. A real buffalo has a larger body and a certificate of authenticity. The Latin term for the American Bison is bovina bison bison. Zoologists wanted to make it bison bison bison to […]

Q and A’s

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given? “You do NOT want to go into that bathroom” When you die, what do you want to be remembered for? Faking my death. What would be the most surprising scientific discovery imaginable? A subatomic particle that has a neutral charge and looks like Avril Lavigne… […]

Conspiracy Theories of Note

Elvis Presley: Some people think that Elvis did NOT die in 1977. The prevailing theory amongst these people is that he died in 1936 and was replaced with a look-alike, also named Elvis Presley. John F. Kennedy: Did Oswald kill Kennedy? Some say that John Kennedy was so intelligent that his brain exploded out of […]

Horrifying Mexican Foods, or Why We are Building a Wall

Aguachile: This dish is shrimp and other seafood “cooked” in a mixture of lime juice and chilies. And, “cooked” in this case means “marinated in lime juice and left raw”. Using acids like lime juice to cook something is ridiculous. I tried it once and they were the worst biscuits I ever made… Chahuis: Chahuis […]

A Poem

[Too depressed to write this week… but…] Shelter in place but give each other space and don’t tell your wife she has a face like a horse or she’ll want a divorce and she’ll journey to her attorney and you’ll be stuck in the house with her and rejected and she’ll probably also be infected

Ask a Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog: The Final Beginning

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog, My husband is always asking for things in the bedroom that I am unable to provide… like antimatter or fat-free butter. I tell him that I’m not a machine and he shrugs and pulls out my batteries. I’m at my wits end because I don’t know if I should serve […]

How Coronavirus Will Change Your Life

Your favorite brand of Mexican beer suddenly goes on sale. People are coughing into their elbows and sneezing into their shoes. Your boss asks you to start working from home and you are the janitor. Clearing the seats around you at the movies is just an elbow cough away. Any Purell you own is suddenly […]