Thoughts on PANIC

Most of the time that anyone in authority asks people not to panic is just after they’ve told them something sure to evoke panic. The word “panic” is based on the name of the Roman god of wine, Pan. You understand its origins when you note the reactions of a get-together of middle-aged ladies who […]

More Advice from My Dear Ol’ Grandpappy

If you start a diatribe with “I’m not racist, but…” you should probably end it by signing someone else’s name to it. Never give up your passion for learning. It is, however, okay to give up your passion for remembering what you’ve learned. Get someone to PAY you to do what you love. This is […]

A Bad Joke, but from the Hart

A veterinarian was complaining to a friend about a patient of his: “I’m treating this stag who has a split personality. He had a hundred thousand personalities when I started treating him; and now, he’s got ten TIMES that” The friend asked if he could see the animal and the vet took him to the […]

Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Dog: The Aww-edition

Dear Genetically-Enhanced Bio-Engineered Dog, I’m a professor at a small mid-western university and lately I have been subjected to appropriate advances from one of my students. She KNOWS I’m a professor and yet she continues to make comments to me that are well within social norms and acceptability. How do I explain to her that […]

How Can I Help my Local Public School?

Volunteer! Schools are always looking for volunteers. If there’s no one doing it, you could volunteer to be the principal. I volunteered to be a student but they told me they already had enough of those… Join the PTA: What has all the drama of a homeowner’s association meeting and all the futility of trying […]

Andomray Oughtsthay

My mom was pregnant a lot when she was high with me and it didn’t affect my development at all… If you are a good enough liar, you can accomplish anything that you can convince people you did. I think the last big step in our evolution as a species was when we learned the […]

Let’s Go to the Beach!

Sharks: Let’s put it this way: When you go to the movies, you don’t accept that there is a small but very real chance that a bear will bite your legs off while you are in the men’s room. Pretty Young Girls in String Bikinis: The answer to the question, “What do you never see […]