ASSk the ASStrologer

[Jenny is an ASStrologer and serves New York’s five burros] Dear ASSk the ASStrologer, My boyfriend and I want to get married. Unfortunately, he’s playing hard to get, even going so far as hiring a fake “fiancée” to date him, sleep with him and make wedding plans for next June. It’s obvious he isn’t going […]

Flightless Facts about Emus

Emus exist in the wild only in Australia, which is a tough break for them… Female emus, or “femus”, are a little taller than their male counterparts (or “counterpemus”). Femus are also a little wider across the butt and pointing that out gets you a hard peck on the head. Emus can live up to […]

Other Uses for a Shock Collar

If you have a pressing need for an electric eel, you can make one yourself with a lungfish and a shock collar. Shock collars are great for charging your phone all at once. You can use shock collars to execute hamsters who’ve committed capital crimes. Use one to give your child a mild shock every […]

Pointed Facts About Echidnas

The echidna, or “spiny anteater”, is one of the most unique animals in the world. The most unique is the mosquito-bear who has four lungs and is made of butter, but this isn’t a contest. The contest already happened and, as I said, the mosquito-bear took first place. What makes the echidna unique? It is […]

Biting Ironies about Crocodiles

Crocodiles can be found on every continent but Europe because there are more places for them to hide in Europe. The Dwarf Crocodile is over six feet long. This isn’t impressive for a crocodile; but, it is pretty impressive for a dwarf. Crocodiles are closely related to birds. So, if you see what you think […]

Why Ducks Shouldn’t Tap Dance

[I’m not going to tell you who forced me to write on such a ridiculous topic, but her site is right here] It’s frivolous and keeps ducks from doing their real jobs: Selling supplemental health insurance. If they forget to take them off and go home to their ponds afterwards, their tap shoes will drag […]

A Bad Joke, but from the Hart

A veterinarian was complaining to a friend about a patient of his: “I’m treating this stag who has a split personality. He had a hundred thousand personalities when I started treating him; and now, he’s got ten TIMES that” The friend asked if he could see the animal and the vet took him to the […]