Why I Keep Bats in My Laundry Room

I might meet a woman who is turned on by rabies. My son needs a pet and he’s a night-person. Because there’s a perfectly good ceiling that no one was using. If you know a better way of getting rid of laundry mosquitoes I’d like to hear it. If I ever feel that the Covid […]

Why I Mailed a Dead Cat to My Senator

[Another title first, content afterwards exercise. If you have any others, post them in the messages below] Because the live ones usually manage to scratch their way out of the box in transit. Mailing dead animals is protected speech, like picketing and throwing hand grenades. I’m angry that he won’t pass laws against cruelty to […]

Bison Facts that I Once Herd

The bison is the largest mammal in North America, now that John Goodman has slimmed down. The bison is not a true buffalo. A real buffalo has a larger body and a certificate of authenticity. The Latin term for the American Bison is bovina bison bison. Zoologists wanted to make it bison bison bison to […]

Why You Should Give the Gift… of Eels

When giving eels, put some young ones in the package and some fake plastic young eels, because everyone loves an elvers impersonator… If the recipient has no room in his refrigerator, any cylindrical storage will do. I keep my eels in an umbrella stand. Eels secrete a lot of mucus which can be a godsend […]

Service Animals, Their Dangers and Functions

Back when I was a kid, there were only seeing-eye dogs. That is to say, if you were a dog and wanted a career path that didn’t involve you bouncing around like an idiot, then you would become a seeing-eye dog. They don’t call them that much anymore. Now, they are “guide dogs” because the […]