Your Child and Violent Video Games

Limit your child’s game-time to his waking hours. Tell your child that, if he cannot control himself after playing violent video games, he won’t be allowed to see Cannibal Holocaust that evening. Discuss the age-appropriateness of your child’s video games with parents that actually care how their children turn out… If your child breaks his […]

Get Terse Medical Advice from a Llama

[Note: The Super-intelligent Bio-engineered Dog is not available due to a misunderstanding over yellow-cake uranium. But, a random llama has offered to stand in] Dear Terse Llama, My husband has recently started thinking that he is an animal. He sneaks into our neighbor’s chicken coop and eats the man’s chickens. Is he crazy? Wit’s End […]

Why I Think I Could Beat Mike Tyson

Because I’m delusional. Tyson is a short man. My longer arms would confuse him. While he was confused, I could shoot him. Years of celebrity, luxury and punching tigers to death have made him soft. Mike Tyson might hit pretty hard but I hurt my foot once and still managed to call for help. So, […]

Goals for 2019

I want to learn to speak Canadian. I want to learn about my ancestors from census documents, church records and tax documents. If I find one that is famous, I want to weave that into every conversation I have for the rest of my life. I want to simulate hiking the Appalachian Trail by pacing […]

Survival Tips

If all you have to drink is sea water, try to strain out the salt with your tongue and teeth. If you are lost, follow the North Star. If you follow it far enough you’ll be able to ask Santa Claus for directions. You can fashion a stone ax by chipping an edge into a […]

I Want Them to be My Friends

Ben Affleck: If I hang with him, he’d eventually introduce me to Matt Damon; then, I’d have two friends which would be a godsend if I needed to move a china hutch… although, if history has taught us anything, it is that Matt Damon will probably end up doing most of the work. Jerry Seinfeld: […]

June is the Time for Weddings!

You can still wear white to your wedding even if you aren’t a virgin; however, you will have to affix a scarlet ‘A’ to your bridal gown. Don’t spend more on a wedding ring than you can afford. Two month’s salary has been the amount decided upon by people who determine these things and who […]