Secrets Mimes will Never Tell

Shields and Yarnell were mimes who performed in the seventies. They were given their own variety sketch show which was the most random act since 1945, when Salvador Dali ceded his power of attorney to a rice cooker. I saw an all-mime version of Key largo, once. It was pretty stupid but, when the hurricane […]

How to Tell if Your Covid 19 Test is a Fake One

It’s a multiple-choice test. The supervising physician is beat-boxing into his stethoscope. The process involves a “Magic Eight-Ball”… The testing area is behind a dumpster. Your test results end with the phrase, “… or, maybe not…” When you arrive the receptionist asks if you’re “a cop”. If they make you undress to take it. The […]

Stuff I Used to Worry About

I used to worry about dying young; now, I just worry about dying. I used to worry about going bald; now, I just worry about my hat blowing off. I used to worry about getting fat; now, I just worry that I’m not worried about getting fat. I used to worry about being publicly humiliated; […]

Stuff I Remember from My Childhood

I remember Space Food Sticks: Vitamin-fortified earwax in the shape of a Slim Jim. Great for playing astronaut; but, pretending to be a weightless guy with a slide rule pushing buttons got old quick… and so did Space Food Sticks. And, for dress shoes, we walked around on platform shoes which were technically stilts. You […]

R. N. Domth Oughts

If I was being besieged in a castle in the middle ages, I’d try my hardest to convince the people surrounding me that THEY were the ones under siege and that they were going to be trapped out there FOREVER if they didn’t leave. She called me a “grade A rat” which was surprising because […]

What You Can Do Stuck at Home Waiting for the Apocalypse

Force your children to learn Navajo. Prioritize all the household projects you have. That way, when you go back to work, you’ll know which of them to feel guiltiest about not doing. Watch five minutes of each of your cable channels in order… except Lifetime. That would be cruel. Meditate until you become enlightened… check […]

Bison Facts that I Once Herd

The bison is the largest mammal in North America, now that John Goodman has slimmed down. The bison is not a true buffalo. A real buffalo has a larger body and a certificate of authenticity. The Latin term for the American Bison is bovina bison bison. Zoologists wanted to make it bison bison bison to […]