Why We Should All Smoke Cigarettes

Emphysema will get you excused from almost any chore. ◙ A cigarette used to indicate the end of sex, which used to be helpful because, without it, I’d lose my place and keep going long after it was pleasurable for either of us. ◙ When people see you with a lit cigarette, they know you […]

Immutable Truths

Before seeking revenge, first dig TWO graves. That way, if your revenge is cutting the other guy in half, you’ll be all ready. ● The bigger they come, the harder they hit. ● The teacher for your hardest subject will be the one with the thickest accent. ● It takes a big man to admit […]

How to Explain Donald Trump’s Tiny Desk

Recently, President Trump confused America by giving a speech from behind a tiny little desk. Still, no one knows why… but I have a few theories… The desk ISN’T small. Trump is growing at an exponential rate due to consumption of a radioactive bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He will spend the remainder of his […]

I Increase the Tension with Facts about Tightrope Walking

The word for tightrope walking is “funambulism” from the Latin “ambulism” meaning “to walk” and “fun” meaning “in the worst possible place”. ֎ The trick to tightrope walking is to lower one’s center of gravity but not so low that it is below the level of the pavement below. ֎ Funabulists often carry a long […]

Facts About Actors that May or May Not be True

Did you know that forty percent of Gary Busy is teeth? ֍ Due to a typo, Robert De Niro was accidentally appointed Secretary of the Interior under Barrack Obama. The error was found and fixed in less than a week, but during his term De Niro managed to sell all of our nation’s polar bears […]