Sure Signs of a Substandard Retirement Home

Why Are So Many Nursing Homes Shutting Down?

You notice that the person who works the pharmacy is mixing codeine cough syrup into his Red Bull…

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Nurse Knuckles and Nurse Bonesaw are always on call.

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The rest home is listed by the state government as a detention center.

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The elderly occupants have set up a pommel-horse in the break room and mysterious piles of dirt are being found around the building.

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You notice the words “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter” above the door.

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The facility is owned and run by Eric Trump.

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The senile people in the facility complain of a threatening, malevolent and violent presence wearing rabbit masks. The ones who AREN’T senile agree.

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They are bused to the mall once a week for two hours of what the retirement home calls, “begging time”.

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Every occupant must spend one hour a week in a windowless room with blood-spattered walls and hooks hanging from the ceiling, trying to solve a puzzle box.

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Muslim and Catholic fasting days are strictly observed for all residents. If money’s tight, all secular fasting days are observed as well.

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There’s complimentary Soylent Green available in the lobby…

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Movie Night is usually an hour and a half of security footage of the side entrance between three and four-thirty a.m. Miss Davis will accompany on the organ…

8 thoughts on “Sure Signs of a Substandard Retirement Home”

    1. They say the Great Escape is based on a true story, so I’d imagine there’s a twenty percent chance that part is true. Monty Python had a nice take on it when the Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things found themselves surrounded by film. To escape, they pulled a pommel horse into the room and I guess that attracts WWII Germans because a couple walked by smoking cigarettes like movie Nazis…

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