If you don’t tell me what I want to know, I’m going to have my friend, Boris here, punch me in the testicles. I’m going to get a lawyer and SUE YOU for .02 percent of everything you own! I’m warning you: Stay out of my way or I’m gonna have to veer to the […]Read More Weak Threats
I’m thankful that I don’t have a neck because it keeps people from inviting me to tennis matches. I’m thankful for the food I eat, the water I drink and the motel towels that I steal… I’m grateful for my children and promise to be even more grateful should one of them become a billionaire. […]Read More Things I am Grateful For
Tomorrow is another day. On the other hand, yesterday was also another day and look how badly you screwed that up. Do your best at everything you try so that, when you fail, you have literally no options. All of your dreams can come true if your dreams consist of dying penniless in a gutter […]Read More I Feel Motivated to Demotivate
You have repetitive stress disorder in your hips. You spend forty-five minutes awkwardly talking to someone in the dark who turns out to be your pants and a towel and you wonder who you had sex with. You won’t put your address on a job application because you don’t want any emotional blow-back if things […]Read More Signs You Might be Having Too Much Casual Sex
I probably COULDN’T take out an armed band of international terrorists using only my wits and karate skills. I may outlive my sex drive by twenty or thirty years. The world is NOT a better place for my mere presence in it. Even though I am godfather to one of my nieces, I still […]Read More Things that are Hard for Me to Hear
[Another challenge from ISCRIBLR. The word is “melody”, which I misread to “malady” and produced a light opera on the subject. You’ll have to be satisfied with this:] To say that Melody was a pretty girl was an understatement; however, to say she was a very pretty girl was an overstatement. Her attractiveness was in […]Read More A Pretty Girl is Like Melody
[In my effort to bring you hard hitting articles on conspiracies that hide just beneath the surface of our lives, I bring you this one: Does Salma Hayek turn into a brown bear when the moon is full? Truth is stranger than fiction] Salma Hayek is five foot two; but, when she stands on her […]Read More Is Salma Hayek a Werebear?