Aries

ariesIf you are an Aries, rest assured, your name will be spoken by historians for generations yet to come; especially if you change your name to “Napoleon Bonaparte” or “Industrial Revolution”. Aries are courageous, confident and honest… exactly the attributes we commonly associate with sheep. Well, it is difficult to determine if sheep are all that honest; but, I cannot imagine a single reason why one of them might lie…

But, what particular ram is Aries? It is, in fact, the very ram that flew away with Helle and Phrixus to save them from King Athamus, who wanted to sacrifice them to save his crops (the science of agriculture was very much in its infancy). Aries was saving Helle just fine for about fifteen minutes before she lost her grip and fell into the sea. Phrixus survived the wild sheep ride and, in gratitude, sacrificed the ram because gratitude was a very complicated thing in ancient Greece. The pelt of Aries was the famed “Golden Fleece”, indirectly responsible for one of the messiest divorces ever. Seldom does one achieve that kind of fame AFTER being skinned.

But, enough mythology… Aries are brave, honest and confident, just the kind of people other people claim they want as a life partner, right before they end up marrying a meth addict who sells Amway products. Not everyone wants a confident mate. Most people want someone who is a screw up at least ten percent of the time; otherwise, you feel as if you are cast as the comic relief. Notice in every Clint Eastwood spaghetti-western, he NEVER has a spouse. The killer with no name is undoubtedly an Aries. I’m not saying that all Aries are destined to spend their stellar lives alone and miserable; but, I’m only not saying it because feelings.

Aries is a fire sign, by the way. That is a fact you need to know if you compete on some sort of new-age Jeopardy game show. And, don’t think it won’t happen because literally every other idea for a game show has been tried. Fire signs are all about action probably because, when you are on fire, you tend to move around a lot. Aries and Libra are extremely compatible because something something…

The number of famous Aries are myriad and bismuth. Leonardo Da Vinci was an Aries and he was no slouch… except when he slouched… which was often because sculpting is back-breaking work. Leonardo was a leader of men, except that he really didn’t lead any men. But, if he had, he probably would’ve been above average at it. Human dog-whistle Mariah Carey is an Aries and she doesn’t slouch at all; on the other hand, her list of fanciful inventions is abysmally small. Suicidal actor Jackie Chan is an Aries and will be until the day he finally conceives the stunt that kills him. Side-boob performance artist, Sarah Michelle Gellar is also an Aries. And, that’s just swell…

The Aries constellation is a disappointment. Like a confused grasshopper, it’s dim and kind of small… It wasn’t even officially recognized until 1922 and that was after many a palm was greased. If you want to see it, ascend three hours to the right, decline twenty degrees, bake at 350 degrees for three hours then serve with potatoes. If you made a ram entirely out of anti-matter, it would still look more like a ram than the five-star ‘L’ that is Aries. I discourage any attempts to view it because the resulting let down could lead to depression or an existential crisis of some sort…

Aries ruled by mars but sometimes does side work for Jupiter and a few of the asteroids.

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