capricorn_smallIf you are a Capricorn, everyone wants to be your friend… at least until the drugs run out; but, you kind of suspected that all along.

Capricorn is a goat. Ancient Greeks revered the goat because they were afraid of cows and didn’t have the stamina to catch a chicken. The goat is useful because it not only produces a foul-smelling milk, but also has a meat with a flavor reminiscent of roadkill on a hot August morning. Goats are the reason the Greeks managed to stay viable as a people for so many years. And, there are other things I don’t like about goats as well.

Capricorn is an earth sign implying a deep relationship with the physical world; in fact, very few Capricorns live outside of the physical world and those that do, usual wander back when they get hungry. They seem to delight in manipulating the corporal world and themselves. They are the puppet masters in a world that doesn’t much care for puppets. Oddly enough, Muppets are still popular. But, there is no such thing as a “Muppet master” because only the Muppets are masters of the Muppets.

Before you can manage others, you must first control yourself. This statement is just as true today as it was when I typed it thirty seconds ago. A man might control vast armies, but if he cannot control himself, then all he’s got is a vast army. That definitely puts him head and shoulders above the rest of us; but, at any time, vanity, pride, anger or even something as insignificant as typhoid could bring him down. A Capricorn cultivates self-control like a weed farmer cultivates dreadlocks.

And, you can hear the restraint in their voices, like they’ve got someone else in there that they can’t let out. So, they have this growly thing going with their voices, like they are acting in a play where they are playing the part of themselves, having a conversation with “Idiot #1” (you). Sure, it is the role that they were born to play; but, you get the impression that any emotion they convey was okayed last night in the planning meeting for today.

I’m not saying that interpersonal interactions shouldn’t be carefully planned twelve hours in advance. I’m simply saying that the performance evaluation forms a Capricorn fills out the evening after might be overkill. If you want a really good time, mention something the Capricorn isn’t prepared for: Like when the conversation is about the project the two of you are working on, try weaving feline leukemia into the discussion. And, when Capricorn mumbles something non-committal, say, in a loud voice, “You don’t know ANYTHING about feline leukemia, do you?” I say that in a loud voice all of the time, no matter where I am… It is a powerful tool, unless the person you are admonishing is a veterinarian.

Nicholas Cage is a Capricorn and you know how well his life has been planned out. Sure, it LOOKS like he replaced his year-at-a-glance calendar with a random number generator and a deck of Tarot cards; but, there must be a plan that we aren’t seeing. He couldn’t be considering Ghost Rider 3 and not have an intricate, even brilliant reason for doing it. Although self-hatred does come to mind… You may ask why I chose someone like Nick Cage instead of someone more stable and representative of Capricorns, like Janis Joplin. I have no answer for that…

Ten stars make up the constellation of Capricorn… although four of them seem to be just phoning it in. If you can look up at the night sky and spot the goat without any guidance at all, you will be the first to do so. Capricorn is best viewed in the late fall or early winter because there are fewer mosquitoes about…

Capricorn is ruled by Saturn which, in turn, takes its orders from the Russian mafia.

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