What Random Thoughts Hath God Wrot?

When I say that Lisa Loeb is the Antichrist, I’m not saying that she’s the evil opposite of Jesus Christ. I’m just saying that she will actively bring about the destruction of the world… I’m done with women because I’ve been burned so many times before… most recently when a lady threw her coffee at […]

Waiter! What’s this Random Thought Doing in My Soup?

The race goes not always to the swift, but they are usually the odds on favorite. Violence never solved anything… except the problem of that guy who’s staring at you from across the bar. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. He who knows that too much isn’t nearly enough will […]

The Loathsome Turpitude of Random Thoughts

I was watching a documentary on Catherine the Great in which they explicitly said that she DIDN’T have sex with a horse. In my experience, when you have to tell people that you didn’t have sex with a horse, you probably had sex with a horse… I’m pretty close to what medical science considers my […]

The Son of Hercules vs the Terror of Random Thoughts

Driving in Florida is like taking your life in your hands just after you’ve buttered your hands. When choosing between two evils, I always pick the one nearest the build-your-own-sundae bar… The procedure was every neurosurgeon’s nightmare: He hadn’t studied for the surgery the night before, there was a clown with an […]

Thoughts as Random as Bikes Can be Tandem

Jim Morrison once said, “A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself”. Being friendless gives you that exact same freedom and you don’t have to remember birthdays… I get tired of my landlord walking around like he owns the place… I traveled far and wide to find something worth journeying around […]

Not a Cigar but a Whole ‘Nother Random Thought

I’ve only had one chance to have sex with a pro-football cheerleader; but, I waited too long and she woke up. A quick note to the world’s animals: If you can be breaded and fried, I WILL find you and I WILL eat you. People complain about Donald Trump, but he is the ONLY […]

Stuff Left Over From My Other Stuff

If you look at dollars per word, writing a novel is nowhere near as lucrative as writing a ransom note. You cannot put a price on good health… well, not a reasonable price, anyway. There’s no ‘i’ in “team” but there is an ‘i’ in limeade, so, if you need one, that’s where you […]