Gregory, the Reluctant Pope

Every once in a while, a pope comes along that makes the other popes look like just a great big pile of bishops.  Pope Gregory I was such a man, and with pointed shoes, yet.  He was born in Rome around 540 to Gordianus and Silvia, who had been born themselves just years before that.  Gordianus was a regionarus in the Catholic church.  Not much is know about the position of regionarus, but just saying it to the man next to you in line at the grocery store can usually rate an impressed whistle.  Silvia is a saint, now, at least until the Polaroids are found.  Two of Silvia’s sisters were also made saints.  They are not just classified as saints, but virgin saints, giving them a plus five degree of difficulty.  Silvia is often invoked by pregnant women who want a painless childbirth or just want to talk to someone besides their mothers-in-law…

Gregory grew up in a time when Italy changed hands more times than a spiff at a Phish concert.  It was during this period that Rome moved its capital to Constantinople.  To save face, Rome claimed it moved its capital due to a pollen allergy; but, historians know better.  The Goths were the biggest threat to western Rome, due to the fact that they could split into Visigoths and Ostrogoths at a moment’s notice, rendering any attempts to make them name-tags futile.  You might say that these turbulent times shaped Gregory; however, if you said that to a stranger on the subway, he might ask you to put your remark into some context…

As a young man, Gregory was made praefectus urbanus of the city of Rome.  Responsibilities included convoking the Senate and raising an army in time of war; irresponsibilities included drinking heavily and blowing all your money at the track.  How Gregory obtained the position is unknown; however, it is certain that he did not attain it through somersaulting.

It takes a big man to consciously reject running around and being praefectus urbanus all day.  In 574, Gregory made that decision and was that big.  He had his lands made into seven monasteries, each one more monastic than the last.  He had his own home made into a monastery so he wouldn’t have to walk so far to work in the morning.  He traded his splendid clothes for the cowl of a monk and a life of austerity.  After living the life of a monk for three years, he got his first promotion, which he wanted like a hole in the head.

Gregory was promoted to deacon and was compelled to resolve the Three Chapter Controversy.  The controversy was an attempt to reconcile Chalcedonian Christianity with non-Chalcedonian Christianity, then to reconcile both of those with Coptic Christianity.  Actually, Gregory could’ve reconciled them in whatever order he wanted; however, after a lifetime of trying, Gregory could only get them to agree on the great taste of Miller Lite Beer.  Definitely a victory for those Catholics on a low-carbohydrate diet.

Rather than leave Gregory alone with his meditation and superiority dancing, the pope sent Gregory, along with a lot of other hapless folks, to Constantinople, known today as Istanbul.  Why they changed it, historians choose not to say, although it was probably a matter of personal preference.  The goal of the delegation was to persuade the emperor Maurice to send troops to the Western Roman Empire to help stave off the Lombards, who desperately needed a good staving.  It soon became apparent to Gregory that his request for troops was about as popular as a pocketful of cockroaches in an operating room.  Maurice’s army was fighting off Persians, Slavs and Avars at the time and the emperor disliked multi-tasking, especially if it meant his utter destruction.  His response of, “What part of hell no don’t you understand?”, left Gregory without much to do except, every once in a while, say things like, You know what might help with your skin condition?  Attacking the Lombards.  And etc…

After killing time with a pointless religious debate on the palpability of the resurrected body of Christ, Gregory returned home to his monastery.  It was good to leave the audaciousness and superficiality of the Byzantine court and get back to some serious starving, freezing and praying.  You know how it goes, though:  You get home, just get settled in and what happens?  You get elected Pope, that’s what.

Gregory was not happy and was not above whining to let the world know about it.  There are stories of Gregory fleeing to the forest upon hearing of his appointment, only to be narked out by a divine light.  Contemporary sources disagree with this account but they only have facts to back themselves up.  Ultimately, he reported to work and put on the pointy hat.  But, just in case the life of a pope was too cushy, Gregory developed gout to plague him for the rest of his life.

Because Rome had been militarily abandoned by the Roman Empire, Gregory was in charge of the city’s military.  He also fed the many refugees fleeing the Lombards.  He also added some fasting days, so maybe it was all a wash.  He took out all of the luxuries that made being a Pope such a desirable position, such as:  Servants, clean beds and meals.  He fired all of the lay-people that worked for the papal entourage, so that, when it came time to lay, no one knew how to do it.

Then, he modified the ceremonies of the Roman Catholic Church.  He inserted some words into the Canon of the Mass and removed all allusions to Beevis and Butthead.  He barred deacons of the church from most singing, much to the relief of the congregation.  He moved the recitation of Pater Noster to before the breaking of the host, probably to keep Catholics from talking with their mouths full.  Gregory I was the Crazy Eddie of sixth century Christianity.

But, he didn’t stop there.  Many of the clergy had escaped the violence of the Lombards; so, Gregory sent them, as missionaries, to northern Europe, Africa and Great Britain, where the barbarians would get another crack at them.  The group of around forty that he sent to the British Isles was very successful, establishing a line of Canterbury Archbishops that would stretch over many centuries.  Part of Gregory’s plan was to take British slaves, train them, ordain them and release them back into Britain.  They had no trouble converting the inhabitants of the island due to the fact that Brits are too polite to say, “No”…

Gregory was forced, by necessity, to negotiate his own peace with the Lombards, due to the fact that Rome’s emperor was happily hiding in Ravenna.  When the Byzantine emperor heard of the peace, he sent troops to attack the Lombards; then, he withdrew the troops, leaving the inhabitants of Rome and the Lombards in awkward silence.  Gregory avoided annihilation by talking sense into Lombard king Agilulf and giving him lots and lots of money.  Gregory referred to himself as “paymaster of the Lombards”, showing that he was a good sport about it all.

The end did not come easy for Gregory.  And, he probably wanted it that way.  Gregory was canonized almost immediately after he died on March 12, 604.  His replacement, Sabinian, was a big let-down for all involved…