The house centipede (Scutigera coleoptrata) was originally from the Mediterranean region. Not content with scaring four thousand years of bad drama and tiresome philosophy out of the Greeks, it moved through Europe, Asia and North America. It is creepier than a zombie vampire sitting on the shoulders of a werewolf circus clown…and it KNOWS it. When it is caught in the kitchen in the middle of the night, certainly it runs; but, it runs SARCASTICALLY.
S. coeoptrata is an abomination, about two inches long, greyish-yellow, with three dark stripes running down its back. These, apparently, are racing stripes: The creature, due to its rigid body and possession by Satan, can reach amazing speeds, stopping only after reaching your pant leg or the hem of your dress. An adult house centipede has fifteen pairs of long, repulsive-looking legs. Its last pair of legs is extra long and used to hold prey such as insects and mountain lions. Its first pair of legs is extra short and used to pierce its prey and inject it with venom. Unlike most centipedes, the house centipede has compound eyes which allow it to detect movement better and play region 0 dvds with their feet…
The house centipede thrives in humid environments. Rumor has it that it was house centipedes that inspired Abraham to live in a cave by the Dead Sea; but, rumors have lots of things. They tend to be nocturnal, staying hidden during the day and scaring each other. At night, they hunt, using their antennae as sensors to detect prey. They can catch multiple victims, holding some down with their legs, while the loser of the group is being envenomed and consumed. They pounce on their prey, although it ends up being more of a snaring with the length of the S. coeoptrata’s legs.
In my internet searches for information and photographs of the house centipede, I came across numerous centipede message boards. The fact that there are people who love centipedes to this degree is proof positive that too many of the world’s straitjackets sit unused. On these boards, the predominant image is that of the S. coeoptrata, usually with the accompanying question, What in God’s name is THIS?!? The moderator will usually explain that the photograph is of the house centipede; and, that the creature eats cockroaches, bedbugs, termites, silverfish, spiders, negative energy and guests who have outstayed their welcomes. The moderator goes on to say, EMPHATICALLY, that the house centipede should not be killed for this reason. Of course, they seldom mention that the creature delivers a painful sting. If I want to kill insects, I’ll use toxic sprays, thank you; THEY only kill the very young, the elderly, the infirm and the existing…
The only people who like house centipedes, besides the virtual centipedophiles, are the Japanese. When you have reached the point, as a culture, where you are keeping centipedes as pets, hitting golf balls off of skyscrapers and basing game shows around forcing contestants to sit in a vat of pickle-brine while eating mashed grasshoppers, you
are so close to anarchy that you could pinch its behind. The day of Japan’s collapse will clearly come when the first “Hello Centipedu” products hit the market…
Of course, this creature has to reproduce like any horror of the animal kingdom. And, it does so with a lack of intimacy that rivals that of the middle-class in nineteenth century France. First, the male finds a receptive female by tapping until it finds one that is ripe; then, it spins a silk pad and saturates it with its sperm. It hands this package to the female who, if it could look disgusted, probably would. The female fertilizes its one hundred plus eggs to bring more monsters into the world. This is proof, in my opinion, that the house centipede is so horrible, it cannot even get close enough to the opposite sex to even breed…
The monsters hatch with only four legs. At that stage, they resemble silverfish and are a lot easier on the eyes; with each moulting, however, S. coeoptrata gets longer, harder and more expensive to buy shoes for. The centipede adds two to four legs with every moult. This happens over a period of a couple of years, with about five moultings before full adulthood. It indeed takes time to get that ugly.
Want to hear something really creepy? The house centipede, when grabbed, will say “andio” to one of its legs and take off without it. AND, IT DOESN’T GROW A NEW ONE; it just doesn’t mind abandoning one to the enemy. Along with the leg, S. coeoptrata leaves behind a fluorescent fluid, on the off chance that you felt any kind of connection with the awful bug.
The house centipede is NOT endangered. This is proof of one of my ecological maxims: Any animal that can live under a kitchen sink will never be in danger of extinction. You could attempt to wipe them out, but you’d be wasting your time. Better to sell them to the Japanese, as pets. It would definitely help our trade deficit…temporarily…
…until they sell them back to us in anime form…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 