King Kong vs Godzilla

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Battling it out in downtown Sydney

It had to happen:  Two giant monsters roaming the Earth have to clash eventually, even if it is only over a parking spot.  The world knew that this was coming, ever since Godzilla rose from the sea and boyz from the hood.  King Kong, as you know, was a giant ape who lived (appropriately) on Kong Island, came to New York by a mixture of boat and kidnapping and died of a mixture of sexual desire and altitude.  Well, Godzilla wasn’t going to Kong Island, nor was he going to New York.  You could count the number of crushable pagodas in both locations on the fingers of one hand and still have enough fingers left over to count the A-Team…

A pharmaceutical magnate, who goes by the name “Mr. Taco” (no, not THAT Mr. Taco…or that one…he’s the one you’ve never heard of), discovers a wonderful miracle drug in the form of a giant berry on the island of Faro.  Mr. Taco also hears of a giant ape which lives on the island.  Because he wants both the berries and the giant ape, Mr. Taco sends TWO men to the island:  Furue Kinsaburo and Sakurai Osamu…or comic relief and other guy.  What is a pharmaceutical magnate going to do with a giant ape?  The same thing that you would do.  They are people, just like the rest of us.

Meanwhile, in the ocean, an American submarine commander is intrigued by a Godzilla-shaped object that is frozen in an iceberg.  Might it be the long-lost Noah’s Ark?  …or even a great big pile of sweet sweet candy?  The commander investigates and gets stuck in the ice.  Before he can send a few seamen out to push the sub, something emerges from the iceberg…and it isn’t Noah’s Ark; moreover, if it is candy, it is definitely a radioactive and bad tempered candy.  More likely, it is Godzilla, who had been trapped in the ice just one movie ago…

The two explorers arrive at Faro and find an island inhabited by Al Jolson impersonators; that is, the entire population of the island are Japanese in blackface.  And frankly, if any nationality should be forbidden to wear blackface, it should be the Japanese.  The Japanese are like the Brits in that they really do think they are adept at portraying blacks.  After embarrassing themselves, their craft, their nation and human beings in general, the painted actor usually sneers directly at the viewer as if to say, “Nailed it!”…

 Through trinket-laden negotiation with the island’s chief, Sakurai and Furue are allowed to remain and look around and spend some time in the gift shop maybe?  The two find the berries; however, there is no sign of a giant ape.  Fortunately, the village is attacked by a giant octopus, who is called, “Oodaku”, because of the sound it makes when it falls down a flight of stairs.  Because gorillas and octopi are sworn enemies, King Kong steps in and defeats the destructive sashimi.  Afterwards, he drinks himself into a mini-coma.  It is the way of King Kong and we have no right to judge…

 At this point, Godzilla, or perhaps the pile of sweet sweet radioactive candy, is turning multi-story buildings into ranch houses.  He is also knocking over trains like a drunk father knocks over toddlers.  And, Mr. Taco is LIVID that Godzilla is siphoning valuable media attention that could be better used on King Kong; and, speaking of Kong…

 …Have you ever been so drunk that you let a couple of guys tie you to a makeshift raft and tow you out to sea?  Yeah…me too…if I had a nickel.  And, so has King Kong, apparently.  The boat towing the oversized primate is stopped by Japan’s crackerjack defense forces and told to turn back.  The authorities have decided a priori that, if a giant lizard does x amount of damage to the countryside, a giant gorilla with a hangover will only add to that damage.  It is then that Kong wakes up and opts to wade the rest of the way to Japan.

 At this point, one should note that Japan is not a small island and the odds of the two giants finding each other are–They have?  Already?

 A battle begins which dwarfs any other battle you’ve ever seen between ape and lizard and probably any you’ve seen between two midgets and a lawyer in a convertible.  Having opposable thumbs, Kong hurls boulders at Godzilla.  Also having opposable thumbs, and for some reason, no ears this time, Godzilla burns the giant ape with his atomic breath.  Chest hair gone and his career as a Robin Williams impersonator jeopardized, Kong flees.  And, the defense force?  Well, let’s just say they’ve got a little surprise for Godzilla.

 Okay, it’s just a hole with some explosives in it; but, way more explosives than the other times…so, it is bound to work…

 Let me interrupt.  About ten years ago, I was waking up with scratches and bite marks that I couldn’t account for.  Doctors couldn’t explain what might be happening.  Various internet articles gave me the impression that it might be either scarlet fever or rickets.  It was only through a video surveillance that I found the cause:  I had been walking in my sleep to the fence out back and nursing from a mother opossum that lived in a burrow nearby.  Video footage indicates that she fought back heroically.  Turns out, I had a calcium deficiency…who knew?

 Anyway, the explosion is as effective in stopping Godzilla as ant spray is to stopping a meteorite.  Turns out, though, that a million volts of electricity is just the thing to keep the giant lizard at bay.  A few good shocks and Godzilla decides to avoid the city of Tokyo.  On the other hand, King Kong, like most primates, is made STRONGER by electricity.  He moves through the power lines faster than a mother opossum runs from a somnambulist…and right into Tokyo.  And, he’s kicking over buildings and trains as if it’s his birthday; however, Kong is preferable for two reasons:  First, no atomic breath means no nasty radiation burns…good news for everyone but the plastic surgeons; second, Kong has a bit of a drinking problem.  Specifically, the berries from his home island turn him from the focused individual that he normally is into the mug shot of Nick Nolte…

 Using balloons, wire and the last shreds of credulity the viewer has, they manage to float drunken Kong to Godzilla…near Mount Fuji.  This is in the hopes that they’ll fight each other until one of them dies.  The battle begins, but, it doesn’t look good for the giant gorilla.  Godzilla’s atomic breath is cooking King Kong like a pork roast.  But, what is that?

 An electrical storm arrives, giving Kong extra strength and a tingly feeling that is just…well, sensational.  The giant gorilla finally has the edge, the advantage, the upper hand and the Millard Fillmore.  If I could only describe to you the battle that followed…smashed castles, judo, drowning, screaming…a lot like spending the weekend with Keith Moon.  Ultimately, King Kong wades back to his island; and, Godzilla is drowned and gone forever…or…is he?  Let’s just say that, if you bet the farm on Godzilla being dead, you can kiss your wrought iron weathervane goodbye…

 Some say that the American version and Japanese version of this movie have two different endings.  And, it is true, if by different you mean that they spoke English at the end of the American version and Japanese at the end of the Japanese version; however, both movies ended with Godzilla going down and not coming back.  Two different battle outcomes is an urban myth.  An urban myth is essentially just a lie that sounds so much like a lie that it cannot POSSIBLY be a lie.

 Toho studios created a second King Kong movie called King Kong Escapes.  In it, the giant ape fights a robot version of himself after being hypnotized into mining for Element X.  There is an actual picture of the original script in Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary next to the term “gut-wrenchingly inane”.  It was released in the United States as a double bill with a Don Knotts movie.  The theory was that the quality of the two movies was comparable; however, producers were unaware, at the time, that Don Knotts is a comedy god…