Libra

libra-symbol-300x300If you are a Libra, your life could not be any better… and I don’t mean that in a good way. What I mean is, unless you are passing a kidney stone as you read this, your life will not get any better… ever! Is that too bleak? Well, astrology is a lot of things but it definitely isn’t the type of fortune-telling that sugarcoats its pretend facts. Astrology tells it like it is… kind of. And, keeping in mind what the meaning of “is” is, Libras are screwed.

To start with, Libra is an “air sign”. This is very important despite the fact that it literally means nothing. Air signs are associated with the mind, so if you don’t have a mind, you should probably find another zodiac sign to be born under. Libra is also the only non-animal house of the zodiac. It’s as if Tom Cruise named the other eleven houses, then let Rain Man name one and he said, “Uhhhh… scales?”. I suppose the adult thing would be not to draw attention to it…

Libras are all about fairness. They are fair and balanced… although not in the same way as Fox News. Fox News is the platonic ideal of fair and balanced and I believe this with all my heart up until the time that I break down and look up what “platonic ideal” actually means. Libras hate injustice and everything it doesn’t stand for. They are, in short, whiners.

How old were you when you first learned that the concept of fairness had no place in this complete and totally bounded R4 space that we call “reality”? My mother tried to be fair to each of us, despite not being a Libra. If we were eating a can of Spaghettios with meatballs, she could count the meatballs, divide them accordingly and cut the remaining meatball(s) into thirds. It might’ve been easier and more equitable to have ground the meatballs into a fine paste and allocated them by mass, but food processors were not as ubiquitous when I was growing up. Let’s just say that the process probably took a lot out of her…

Fun fact: “Fair” is derived from the Old English Faegere meaning “beautiful”. You don’t think that fact was fun? What a miserable existence you must lead…

Confucius was a Libra, a man whose philosophy matches that of the Libra exactly. This is an example of a “coincidence”. Ray Charles was a Libra and [insert blind joke here]. Oscar Wilde has nothing to declare except that he was also a Libra. Rat-faced singer/songwriter Tom Petty may not have to live like a refugee; however, he does have to live like a Libra. Ed Sullivan was a Libra and, if you can find someone that gives a damn about that, you’ll be the first…

The constellation Libra was once part of Scorpio… the claws to be specific. But, the Romans felt that the night sky really needed a set of scales for some reason and borrowed some of Scorpio’s stars to make one. It’s not as if losing those stars made Scorpio less scorpion-like anyway. But, the eight or so stars that make up Libra are very easy to find if you’ve already located Scorpio. If you haven’t located Scorpio, and you tell people that you have, I doubt you have to worry about anyone challenging you. “Oh, you’re an astronomer? I have so many questions to ask you”, said no one ever…

Libra is ruled by the planet Venus who assures Libra that it will institute free and fair elections just as soon as the rebels are defeated…

 

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