Sagittarius

en3l0u8qIf you are a Sagittarius, your blessings are as numerous as starships on the beach. You cannot count the friends you have and your reading skills are also lacking. Sagittarius is a fire sign, which implies energy, curiosity and excitement. If you are a Sagittarius and you don’t possess these qualities, you will be demoted to Pisces. Astrologers are nothing if not completely mad…

The mythological Sagittarius was Chiron the Centaur. A centaur is a half man/half horse creature that the Greeks liked to imagine when they’d had a few too many. Chiron was an excellent archer because what does a grotesque mutant have to do all day but practice shooting things? Chiron was an excellent physician because what does a grotesque mutant have to do all day but heal the things he’s been shooting? Well, one day the tried to run off with Heracles’ woman and that was it for him, then…

Sagittarius are idealistic and have a great sense of humor. If you are going to be an idealist, you will NEED a good sense of humor… and antidepressants… lots of them. With the exception of women who married men from the No-Penis Tribe in Outer Borneo, idealists are the most disappointed group of people in the world. Idealism is set up to fail just by its definition. If something is “ideal” it is the best possible outcome; except for dice-throws and the savory deliciousness of Pringles Sour Cream and Onion potato things, NOTHING turns out ideally.

Sagittarius mask their pain by being happy and enthusiastic. I’d like to be the one to inform them that this is NOT a viable solution; but, because they are idealists, it’s fun to watch them crash and burn. They suffer through life laughing, excited and thinking that they can make the world a better place. They are, for all intents and purposes, twelve year old girls. Resist the urge to laugh at them, though. Idealists are prone to become violent. Remember Christ and the money-changers or Shane or that unfortunate Gandhi-related stabbing. Just let them live their pathetic lives and, when they get to old age, all they’ll have is their many friends and great memories; whereas, I’ll be lonely and sad. I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when that happens.

Bruce Lee was a Sagittarius… although, if he had demanded it, he could’ve been whatever sign of the Zodiac he wanted. Sagittarius Nostradamus had a great sense of humor. His practical joke is STILL fooling people, today. Idealist Lucy Liu is a Sagittarius and she’s definitely saved more whales than she’s killed. Miley Cyrus, an example of something I was talking about just the other day, is a Sagittarius. I’m not a big fan of hers, but I also don’t actively wish her harm.

The constellation Sagittarius, like most nude beaches, is best viewed in the summer time. Around twenty stars make up Sagittarius along with a few clovers, some pink hearts and some inedible cereal possibly made out of oats and cardboard. The stars don’t look much like a half man/half horse… it’s surprising that that would be the first guess on what they looked like. Some people think the star grouping looks more like a teapot. This I can understand because I once went to a Chinese restaurant and was surprised to see them place a centaur on my table. I found out later, it was just a teapot.

Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter after a plea agreement with a probate court.

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