Scorpio

If you are a Scorpio, you are the soap-on-a-rope in the prison shower of life. Scorpio is a water sign which implies changeability, depth and mystery. In other words, it means literally nothing. I’m not saying that the element associated a Zodiac sign means nothing; however, I probably will say it before I finish this chapter.

Scorpio’s are passionate. What does that mean? Think about the drunk guy screaming next to you at a Slipknot concert only less coherent… Yes, you can be passionate about Slipknot just like you can be passionate about Jack Russell Terriers. And, THAT is the problem: We decide what we are passionate about and that decision seldom involves rational thought. Soccer riots pretty much settle that. If you bludgeon someone based on the number of times a black and white ball gets kicked into a net, you didn’t think it through. Of course, if you did think it through, it could hardly be called “passion”. It would be called an opinion.

Some people have a “passion for adventure”. This is identical to a condition called, “doesn’t ask for directions or advice while traveling”. The sense of danger stimulates the creation of certain chemicals in the human body that seem to like danger. And, actual danger ensures that these people probably won’t be around very long. When a daredevil gets killed, his fans tend to say things like, “Wow, he died young” which, I will admit, is much kinder than the more accurate, “What an idiot!”.

You might have a passion for food; although, most of us just call it an “eating disorder”. Maybe you are TOO passionate about food. Are you? How can you tell? Are you adding spices to desserts that don’t belong in desserts? You know, like rosemary or cayenne pepper? That’s the alcoholic equivalent of drinking aftershave.

Speaking of that, why the HELL do they STILL denature alcohol? Prohibition has been over since the sixties. I understand that taxation is involved, but poisoning the product seems like an overreaction. If I take a bad deduction no one forces me to ingest strychnine; and, my judgment is WAY better than someone who thinks drinking cologne is an option. Tip: You may think the weird guy on the bus has been drinking aftershave but sometimes his breath smells that way because he’s recently devoured a used car salesman. True story.

On the other hand, if passion is a motivator to create there is no praise/no blame. Without passion for mathematics and physics, Einstein would’ve never found out that nearly every measurement that we make of distance or velocity is at least a trillionth of a percent off. Am I saying Albert Einstein was a Scorpio? Of COURSE not. Scorpios are morons.

But, they are complex morons. They have a deep and mysterious side. An aspect to their psyche that, if we could see it, we’d start screaming and never be able to stop. And, I don’t mean a “dark past”. Everyone has a dark past. My past is so dark, it is actually slimming. It isn’t the past that warps your psyche, it’s how you react to it. It’s a spectrum from “My parents split up so I cannot trust men” to “I kill engineering students and turn their skin into vests”. If you are a Scorpio, I suggest you stock up on buttons that go well with beige…

The constellation Scorpio does look like a scorpion if you connect the dots properly. If you connect them backwards, you’ll get an inside-out scorpion. They are decidedly LESS passionate. Fun fact: A factory worker in Taiwan can turn nearly fifty scorpions inside-out in an hour. What she does with them afterwards, I leave to your nightmares.

Scorpio is ruled by Pluto and would gladly take a bullet for it.

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