Raggedy Ann Wants me Dead

It all started with the smell of brake fluid. I’d almost fallen asleep when the aroma wafted from the single shelf that held mementos of my childhood. I felt compelled to find out what the smell was. If it turned out to be brake fluid then it was entirely possible I wouldn’t be able to […]

Celebrities I’ll Never Date and Why

Bjork: I don’t mind so much that she attacked a reporter. Most of my aunts have a least taken a swing at one. What would doom us romantically would be that she’s from Iceland and probably keeps the thermostat too low. Nicole Kidman: She was married to a Scientologist for eleven years. No one leaves […]

My Girlf and I broke Up (an exercise)

Turned out my girlfriend was a werewolf and would change forms with the full moon; I had to break things off with her because I got tired of my neighbor’s cats being eaten every thirty days… ☼ I ended my relationship because I didn’t get along with my girlfriend’s dog. Some dogs get possessive and […]

My Memories of Nebulae is Fuzzy

I used to harshly judge people who lied to their children about where they came from; but, one day I thought about it: “Your dad and I drank too much alcohol and nine months later you came out of the same place that pee does” is not a scenario that inspires confidence in a six-year-old. […]

Google Questions/Charlie Answers

These are real Google questions that showed up on a recent search. My answers are not the opinion of MicroSoft nor are they actual answers. How do you get rid of frogs? Casually mention that Costco’s sale on fifty pound boxes of flies is on its last day… ♫ How do you remove a lot […]