Taurus

62204931-bull-taurus-painted-tribal-ethnic-ornament-vector-illustrationIf you are a Taurus, you are in Hog Heaven. Yes, there is a heaven specifically for hogs (and their sow wives if they comported themselves ethically). Does this mean there is a heaven for each species? No, just the two. There used to be a separate heaven for Jews, but too many others kept wandering over because the cold cuts were so much better over there. BTW, dogs go to Hell mostly, because drinking out of a toilet is a mortal sin. Who knew?

Taurus are known for their patience and dependability. This comes as no surprise because bulls are known for their patience and dependability. The bulls I’ve known, growing up on farms, have patiently waited for the instant in which they would lose their minds for no particular reason and cut a path of destruction that makes Godzilla look like a Jonas brother. You can depend on that.

But, the particular bull that Taurus is based on was Zeus in disguise. You see, he adopted the form of a bull to get close to Europa, a woman he was taken with. And, I doubt there is a guy in existence that hasn’t dressed up like a bull (or in my case, a California Condor) to land a woman. Anyway, Europa and her entourage were so taken with the bull that they bedecked it with flowers. Europa made the decision to get on the bull’s back, proving once and for all that Zeus didn’t care much for brainy women. Zeus took off across the ocean, raped Europa and the rest is mythology!

Now, as a Taurus, you may be pretty proud of being so dependable. Don’t be. Nobody likes a dependable person. See, if you come to count on someone to come through all of the time, when they don’t, it’s like a slap in the face. A flake is expected to fail you early and often. If your friend is a flake, and you ask that friend for help, you always have a backup in mind. Generally that backup is a Taurus or at least one of the other Zodiac signs. If the task fails you don’t blame the flake… in fact, you two might even commiserate about how badly the Taurus failed you (flakes are very good listeners). Most of the time, you can set your watch by a Taurus and we’ll never forgive them for that…

The world needs Tauruses; on the other hand, the world needs toilets, too; and, you know how we treat THEM. It is the patient, conscientious and dependable people that move the world forward and that allow the rest of us to act like irresponsible teenagers until we hit our early forties.

Tauruses of note include Timothy McVeigh and John Wilkes Booth, both hated for their stability and extroverted suicides. Willie Nelson reeks of dependability and good quality weed. Cher is a Taurus despite the petition. Katherine Hepburn was a Taurus and a more patient, dependable, uptight and unbearably patrician woman you will never want to meet. And, I mean that literally: You’ll never want to meet them. Catherine the Great was a Taurus and the rumor is that she replayed the Zeus/Europa drama but the bull lost his nerve at the last minute…

The constellation Taurus is visible from both the Northern and Southern Hemispheres; but, in the Southern Hemisphere, Taurus has a cool Spanish accent and is a much better dancer. Taurus is made up of about twenty stars and, to the untrained eye, it looks like a daddy long-legs that has been flattened under the heel of a shoe, but without the surprised expression on its face. To the trained eye, it looks like just another God-damned bunch of stars. The Taurid meteor shower radiates from Taurus and that’s as good a reason as any to drink.

Taurus is ruled by Venus who totally makes it worth his while.

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