The Formless Specificity of the Hydra

Of all of the animals to put into an incomprehensible topic sentence, the hydra definitely is as it easily follows in that respect. It is practically microscopic and can be found in most fresh water bodies that aren’t viscous enough to walk on or actively on fire. It is ubiquitous, predatory, sessile and planetarium. The hydra is as important to the ecology of this planet as cheap tequila is to a pre-surgical get-together…

Hydra occur all over the world. I use the word “occur” because to LIVE somewhere implies that one have at least a nerve center. The hydra don’t really live as a single entity. Its body is more a group of cells that have decided, in a drug-induced euphoria, that they should get together and form a commune. One calls out, “Me and Billy can be the mouth” and another, “I was a stinger in the army…I could do that” and so forth. Is this an overly romantic view of the hydra? How can you study the hydra and NOT be swept away emotionally?

The hydra’s size may range from a few millimeters to about five centimeters. The hydra’s body consists of four parts: The trunk, the tentacles, the mouth and the basal disc. The trunk contains the gastrovascular cavity. This is because the gastrovascular cavity had to go somewhere and the trunk was in the bathroom when the rest of the body voted. The gastrovascular cavity is where food is digested. The trunk is the largest part of the hydra’s body. If a hydra has any visible tattoos, they are generally on the trunk.

Did You Know:  If you look into a mirror, with only a candle for illumination, and say “Hydra Come!” twenty times, someone will appear next to you and take you to a mental asylum…

The tentacles are used to stun and take in prey. Stinging cells, called nematocysts, are at the end of each tentacle. Each is capable of injecting a powerful neurotoxin and stunning small vertebrates and invertebrates. The hydra’s tentacles can extend to five times the length of its body. It would be a formidable tennis player, except that, when it shook hands after the match, it would paralyze its opponent. The hydra can have between four and twelve tentacles. If it has more than that, biologists just call it a “millipede” and toss it to a nearby entomologist. The tentacles are around the mouth, which is simply a hole leading into the gastrovascular cavity.

The basal disc is also called the “foot” of the hydra. It enables the hydra to cling to a hard surface by using mucous secreted from its endoderm. It would take a thousand times as much mucous to glue a human being to the same surface—hardly worth the effort of collecting it. The basal disc also can produce a gas bubble which allows the hydra to float. All in all, it is the most repulsive organ in the animal kingdom.

Did You Know:  Originally, in the movie The Fifth Element, the “fifth element” was supposed to be a hydra. Actor Chris Tucker refused to work with an invertebrate; so, they settled on actress Milla Jovovich, who is technically a bony deep-sea fish…

Most of the time, the hydra is motionless or moving at the whim of the currents; it has the work ethic of a government employee, only it gets more accomplished in a day. When it encounters prey, it uses its venomous tentacles to paralyze and pull the creatures to its mouth. Due to the flexibility of the hydra, it can consume creatures nearly its own size; in fact, scientists have determined that a hydra, the size of a human being, could eat a slightly smaller human being. Food is digested for a few days; then, waste is expelled through the same hole from which it entered. This is the reason that you should NEVER KISS A HYDRA ON THE MOUTH…even if you are related to it, somehow…

Did You Know:  The hydra’s only known enemy is Nobuyuki Idei, former CEO of Sony Corporation…

When the hydra wants to move, it does so in two ways: Either through a series of cartwheels or amoeba-style. The cartwheel would be the hydra’s signature means of locomotion if the hydra were capable of holding a pen. Basically, the tentacles stretch out while the basal disc is firmly anchored; then, its tentacles grab onto something and the hydra releases its foothold. Their body moves forward, the hydra reestablishes footing and repeats. This continues until the hydra either gets where it wants to be, or it cuts its lip on a beer can. The amoeba moves using pseudo pods; the hydra can imitate this motion using real pods.

A species of hydra, called Hydra viridis, keeps algae in its body cavity, giving the creature a green color. The alga receives protection from predators within the body of the hydra and, in return, provides the hydra with the byproducts of photosynthesis. Admittedly, the byproducts of photosynthesis are not spectacular; on the other hand, the protection offered by the hydra is only slightly better than the protection that the secret service gave President Gerald Ford. This symbiotic relationship is one of many examples of a relationship which is symbiotic…

Did You Know:  If a hydra is ever the victim of credit card fraud, it will curl itself into a ball and secrete a bilious substance…

The hydra reproduces both sexually and asexually, depending upon the season and its own intrinsic sense of self-worth. Sexual reproduction occurs when the hydra lays eggs, then fertilizes them; thus, it has to be both mother and father to its young. This hardly matters because the adult dies after the process is over. The young hatch in adult form and must learn, without parents, how to be a mindless, groping lump of snot. If a hydra reproduces asexually, it does so by forming a bud, or buds, on its side. These buds form into hydra, then detach. They have to detach because, as the hydra put it, “We had to split up…we were just too much alike”…

Some scientists believe that hydra lack senescence; that is, they do not age. It is possible that hydra are immortal and, without the presence of disease, predators and water tower gin-drinking contests, would never die. It is attractive to imagine that human beings could become immortal if we simply sat still, waited for our food to come to us and somersaulted everywhere we wanted to go…

…is our quality of life so good that we cannot learn from others?