The Inexhaustible Corpulence of the Flamingo

Of all the birds in the animal kingdom, the flamingos are some of them.

Flamingos have been flying, wading and snacking on nearly every continent since prehistoric times; and, we’re all getting pretty sick of it by now. They’ve even got a high altitude flamingo (Phoenicopterus andinus) to confound those of us tempted to take to the mountains to get away from them. They gather in flocks of up to a million birds. This may not be impressive to you; but, it can produce very strong emotions in those who have to clean up after them.

Many zoologists think the flamingo is most closely related to the ibises and spoonbills of the order Ciconiiformes. Like the flamingo, ibises and spoonbills have beaks so grotesque that it is obvious that they have danced with the ugly stick since the beginning of time. Others postulate that they are more closely related to ducks and geese. And, I say, “Sure, why not?”. When they checked the DNA sequences of intron seven of the beta-fibrinogen gene (lovingly referred to as FGB-int7), they discovered something shocking: That FGB-int7 analysis is pretty useless when it comes to flamingos. Needless to say, there is a lot of controversy as to what other bird is the nearest relative to the flamingo. This could be important should all flamingos die suddenly and no one would know who to notify…

The average flamingo weighs about seven and a half pounds. The above average flamingo weighs pretty much the same, but is better at math and more successful financially. They stand at about four feet tall and are considerably shorter when they are lying down. Unlike most bird species, the coloring of the flamingo is the same regardless of gender. This is why the males wear neckties; or, in the case of Southern Florida, ascots. The flamingo has a reverse joint at where you would think the knee is. Actually, it is an ankle joint. The knee is further up inside the body. I estimate that would put the flamingo’s pelvis in his head, but what do I know?

The beak of the flamingo is perfectly shaped for its feeding habits. It is shaped in such a way that it runs parallel to the bottom of the water bodies from which it feeds. It strains the resulting silt. It even makes bushels of delicious homemade French-fries. The flamingo’s beak is considered a marvel of engineering by the same people that are amazed by the iPhone and aerosol hair; moreover, the shape of its beak allows him to somersault like a champ…

It is the flamingo’s feeding habits that give it its distinctive pink color. Specifically, the color comes from beta-carotene in the shrimp and mollusks in its diet. A white flamingo is usually the result of malnourishment or the result of a diet of cauliflower, mashed potatoes and marshmallows. It is tempting to try feeding it other foods to see if you can give a flamingo a different color–blue for example. Those of us who have seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory know that man was not meant to play God in this area.

Why do flamingos stand on one leg? One theory is that they stand on a single leg as a method of hindering heat exchange and conserving body heat. This hypothesis was produced by the Institute for Pulling Theories Out of the Air (Boulder, Co). As a former chemical engineer and someone with a lot of experience with heat exchangers, I can assure you that I have NEVER seen a heat exchanger shaped like a flamingo’s foot. My (simpler) theory is that flamingos are simply impersonating Shakespeare’s Richard III, with his withered leg and bafflingly bad attitude. Do you dispute my explanation? Okay, who ARE they impersonating? Titus Andronicus? Yeah, sure, buddy…whatever you say…

After mating and before death, the flamingo lays a single chalk-white egg on a mud or gravel nest. The nest is simply a mound, about a foot high, built by the male and female. This shows that the flamingo is a simple non-pretentious bird, the kind that you’d want to invite over to your house for dinner if you could find a supermarket that sold brine shrimp. The male and female each incubate the egg, although the male does it with more resentment than the female. After about a month, the egg hatches. At this point, both parents produce a special “milk” which is a nutritious mixture of protein, pus and vomit. The young eat this for two months because they don’t have much of a choice. The flamingo will gad about for six years before it mates, produces young and vomits on them.

Some think that the flamingo was the inspiration for the western idea of the Phoenix. It is a fact that some flamingos have been known to hang around hot springs and even to drink water heated to one hundred and fifty degrees. Certainly it is an understandable mistake to assume, under those circumstances, that the flamingo is a bird that lives for a thousand years and then burns up leaving an egg within its ashes. I saw a stag in a parking garage once and came to the conclusion that it was a Chimera…

In Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland, flamingos were used as croquet mallets. Since then, they have been tested as hammers, crowbars, electric drills, Phillips-head screwdrivers and assistant secretary of the treasury under Warren Harding.

Ancient Romans regarded the tongue of the flamingo as a delicacy. It was often served in a dish that included pheasant brains and some of the nastier parts of the lamprey eel.

Frankly, I think that I’d prefer the flamingo vomit…